redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


Leave a comment

Word of the week

295bded1ccf5cff1146e0a69307af3ac

I was scrolling and came across a video of two mums talking about what was actually normal, there’s no manual or unfiltered script for what is normal as a mum. They proceeded to make me feel so much better about my me-ness and when they mentioned it’s ok to cry multiple times a day and even do so in public I was immediately transported to yesterday, after school in the grocery store with my big girls. They were having meltdowns and legitimately crying over the fact I was making them eat veggies for dinner, I hadn’t even mustered the energy to cook them yet and I was already getting a kickback. I can’t remember exactly what I said to them, but the gist was, “Oh my dear God, you’re lucky you have healthy, organic food, a mum who scrapes her ish together just enough to cook and sometimes do the dishes and so many kids don’t have either!” I may have managed to speak it as opposed to scream it too! I hear a sweet voice from the check out isle next to ours say, ” You’re an awesome mom”! I fucking lost it and started balling, then Amelie did, but I think it was because she didn’t want to eat the damn mushrooms, and it hit me so hard I could barely breathe. I have been doing this whole thing on my own for a year, exactly. There aren’t tap outs, ass smacks or “Babe you did a good job tonight” at my place and to have a stranger outright compliment me pierced my heart in such a beautiful way I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I don’t even know what my response to her was, other than to put my hand on my heart and mouth thank you, while I proceeded to break down like a toddler.

 

How often do we call out the beautiful things we see? Do we even comprehend how merely complimenting the smallest, most insignificant thing we see can drastically change someones day or week? That sweet woman did more for me in those few words than anyone has for me in a long time! It stirred something in me, a camaraderie a connection, we have to stick together, women, mothers, feeling, breathing, caring people. Our flaws and lost shit moments are what make us human and when we start trying to cover those things up we become no more than automated robots. Let’s be open and raw, let’s be loving, let’s have each others back!

Advertisements


Leave a comment

Duck eggs, crumbled crab cakes, ​and too much sea salt

I went to the farmers market with the babies this morning and picked up the most beautiful flowers, duck eggs, salami, shitake mushrooms, and crab cakes. Almost as soon as I got home I got started on lunch, pure excitement and anticipation. I sauteed the mushrooms in butter and garlic, added a handful of spinach and let it wilt before I covered it with whisked duck eggs, it was near perfection until I went for the sea salt and dumped the whole damn thing in the pan because the lid to the cracker was unscrewed. Now, had it been another day, another month I would have lost my shit and let it ruin my day. The effort, time, money spent on lunch would have thrown me over the edge. Today, in that moment, I threw my head back and laughed. Simultaneously the crab cake I was cooking started to fall apart, despite my best efforts to keep it neat, tidy, and intact. I scratched the eggs, busted up the crab cake and cracked one single egg in the pan to make this! It was scrumptious!

Sometimes we have this elaborate plan, it’s tidy and neatly folded and the color stays in the lines but sometimes there’s an explosion of bitter salt and things fall apart and we’re left with two choices. One, absolutely lose our shit, stomp our feet and curse the skies for things not going according to our plan, or Two, we can throw our heads back, giggle, wipe the slate clean and start over. The amazing thing is the second, third, fourth or millionth time around things tend to be so much better. Easier, organic, effortless and incredibly delicious!

The groove I’ve found myself in the last few days is one of ease, I’m spring cleaning, my house and my life, cooking again, reading again, gardening again. I’m not doing it out of spite, I’m doing it out of love for myself. It feels right and kind and good.


Leave a comment

All the feels

f5308c505a067d0581eec81cd929a2f6

I just took the big girls to see Wrinkle in Time and I cried like a baby through the whole thing! It’s coming up on a year, this time last year I was blissfully unaware that everything I knew and thought to be true was about to be shattered. I am so thankful it happened! So grateful that I’m free! I have never been alone for this long and I have never gotten to know myself until now! The faults that used to be thrown at me are now my lessons. I’ve learned to give myself the love and affection I craved and was withheld from me. I’ve created a home, rich with green plants, screaming giggly children, a rambunctious dog, and Queen size bed just for me. I have everything I used to beg for, dreamt for, and I manifested it with the help of some amazing angels and friends.

 

The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.- Buddha

I thrashed around in a wading pool, my toes have touched the floor and I’ve stood up. I’m ok, I survived the worst year of my life to date and despite a few crazy freakout moments here and there, I’m pretty positive the future is about to be better than anything I could have anticipated! Here, flaws and all. Loneliness, sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal, hurt, abandonment, deceit, all of these emotions that I don’t want to feel, but as soon as you acknowledge and let them wash over you they literally clean the wound and let the light in! In with the light and the love!


Leave a comment

Shifting Gears

640912931c72d5798373bee4b9930380

Sometimes out of habit, force or pride, we continue doing things that just don’t serve us. Our intentions may be honorable and good but ultimately cause us lots of stress, anxiety, and pain. Guess what? We aren’t statues or trees, we can move, we can shift and we can reposition the loads we carry. Often that means releasing things, ideas, people and even places that don’t serve us. I can feel spring steadily on its way and my shedding process has begun, I’m clearing out and decluttering so I can be light, free and do the most good. This is a huge step for me, creating space for myself, without guilt and it feels absolutely amazing!


Leave a comment

No one is going to fucking save you

kinopoisk.ru

Maybe I had a moment, or a few moments, tired as shit, washing dishes and cursing to myself about how I’m the only one who does the fucking dishes. I have these brief seconds of wishing, daydreaming, that some knight, tall and sexy, come up behind me, wraps his arms around me and slides a glass of wine in my hand and tells me to park my sexy ass on the couch so he can wash the dishes for me. Then I wake up to an alarm I’ve been hitting the snooze on for 10 minutes, screaming like a banshee for the midgets to get ready for school.

Moral of the story, there’s no knight and a constant sink full of dishes that are all my responsibility.  It’s the old story of wanting help but getting frustrated when they don’t do it right so you just do everything yourself. The fact is, it’s easier, saner and tidier to just do everything myself. I still don’t trust people not to butcher my heart, I still don’t trust my heart to pick the right ones, and I have no fucking clue how badly my being alone is fucking up my kids. I don’t think I’m Wonder Woman at all, but I do feel the weight, and it’s fucking heavy. I’m not complaining, I know this is just how things are, temporary as all of this is, and they will get better and they might get worse, but I’m trying to stay in the present moment. Aching for connection, touch, deep conversation and cuddles, but content to call the shots.

The resentment I used to feel when I had a partner unable to live up to what my crazy heart/brain wanted, needed, expected has all but fallen away. If something doesn’t get accomplished I know exactly who to blame! No one is coming to save me, I don’t need to be saved, nor do I want to be. I’m afraid of unleashing this weight on anyone, I’m afraid of what being myself will do to anyone, I’m impulsive, spontaneous, wild and loving, I need my freedom but desperately want someone man enough to walk by my side, to hold my hand, occasionally check me, but always love, support and lovingly shake their head at me. I don’t want to wait six months for love, no matter how perfect those two days were.  I have to suffer the consequences either way.

I’m taking this armor off because it’s heavy, My skin is thick, almost bulletproof at this point, true to my sign, I have a shield and a bow and arrow. I let all of this out not for pity, I have no use for that, not for attention, not for anything other than opening this scarred, bruised yet full heart just a little more. Nothing is perfect, the highlight reel we see or chose to project, there are screams, falls, face plants dodged bullets and scrapes. It’s human and it’s life.


Leave a comment

I am mine

104cfacb21ad60673b8d8f955c13c7cf

I am mine. Mine to enjoy, to learn, to be. I’m releasing the struggle to please, to cater to and sacrifice for. I’m leaning into the feelings and emotions and pain again. Open- handedly walking through this space, not grasping the good or pushing away the bad but allowing myself to feel it all. If you don’t allow yourself to feel the bad, you won’t ever fully feel the good. Still, not chasing. Present, not looking too far ahead. Finding joy in every moment possible. I feel supported and loved by my tribe.