redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


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Stories

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I could tell you stories, painful, heartbreaking, terrible stories, and I have. But it stops here. My heart bleeds a little more every time I do. Once there was a girl who loved a boy, and he loved her, they were blissfully happy for a time and sooner or later stopped bringing out the best in each other and started bringing out the worst. So they stopped. They resolved to be civil for the kids, end of story.

 

Ok, that’s the last chapter. I’ve face planted, cried, screamed, stomped my feet and now I get to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward.

What do I want though? There is so much healing that needs to take place for my girls and myself. Forgiveness, love and acceptance of how things are. Rearranging and shuffling, who goes where and when. I’m now in a place of complete freedom but still stunned, like a fish that just got hit by a jellyfish sting, I’m still alive and my brain works but I’m waiting to get feeling back in my body before I can actually do anything. Law of attraction is my go to and now that I know what doesn’t serve me I can more clearly see the things that do.

My girls come first, they are at delicate stages and very raw, I am privileged enough to guide them through this, I’m not here to shelter them, I’m here to hold safe space for them so they can feel the emotions, the emotions come whether you want them to or not, I don’t want them to suppress like I did as a child, I want them to feel so they know how to dig themselves out.

My friends, I became so isolated from my friends, I don’t know if it was shame or guilt or the fact that my relationship took every ounce of energy I had to give. What I’ve found is that despite the long absence, my friends or framily as I lovingly call them, have rallied without questions. I’ve received cards, flowers, ears that listen, shoulders that support and the types of bear hugs that seem to put life back together. I am blessed!

My job, I am so fortunate to do what I love and while I’m contemplating some part time bartending the idea of staying fast and true to my heart is pulling me hard. My reiki practice, massage and yoga trainings fill my cup and I feel like I’m actually fulfilling my life’s purpose. I have a larger dream that involves becoming an herbalist, homesteader and bee keeper. I was so lucky to receive a scholarship to Wild Herb Weekend in July and truly feel this deepening of the roots of my passion. The dream I had of sharing a farm and homestead  doesn’t have to die, it may need to change form and location slightly but that’s more reconstructive surgery as opposed to death.

Finally, Love. The end of my relationship was not a loving one, it was not fulfilling in so many ways, despite my (and to be fair, his) best efforts for it to be. I’m a person who loves deeply but when I feel neglected I can turn resentful quickly. I give love freely but also notice when it isn’t reciprocated. I’m difficult to love in that I have so many emotions and thoughts and energies flying around, if you’re not patient and open you’ll become exhausted. I have a temper, I say whatever comes into my mind and rarely try to edit it. I’m impulsive and often long to be somewhere else. All of these to a fault, but I’m loyal, honest, trustworthy and I’ll let my love kill me, I’ll dig in and weather any storm, I’ll give you my power, my heart, my strength and my last breath. I don’t know how to give up, maybe it’s stubbornness, to me, it’s love. This usually drives my partner mad, causes them to hurt me in such a way that I have no choice but to let them go. I recognize this as a learning experience, no matter how life altering. Moving forward I won’t give away my power, in this next phase of healing and solitude I get to cultivate healthy boundaries that protect my girls and myself. I get to listen to my intuition and vow to honor it, no matter what. I promise to speak my truth instead of being quiet, fear and indifference will kill any relationship. Most importantly I’ll continue to love wth all my heart, life is too short not to.


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It’s difficult to put into words the emotions, thoughts, fears, joys, worries, memories and hopes that have come up for me these last few weeks. Perhaps they need to marinate a bit longer, and so I’ll leave them. I’ve taken over the stewardship of this small piece of land, the garden, the home, the chickens and most importantly the beautiful fairies that reside here. I get to keep them safe, nurture them and allow them all to grow as we experience this life together! So many beautiful things on the horizon, and while the material and emotional purge continues, at least we have that bright light!

These lovelies frame the porch.

and the newly planted white sage edges the small raised bed, joining the lavender. The lemongrass won a spot on the side of the house!


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There’s this idea that being flawed is weak, that being a mess is not ok, I have learned this and exercised it my whole life. I learned that I was only lovable if I was helpful, made others happy and sacrificed everything. I never learned that I am worthy just because I am. Shame, guilt, fear, anger, resentment and sadness are the predominant emotions in my life. The amazing thing about these lives we lead is that they are changeable. It’s both devastating and blessed that things can be altered in the blink of an eye.

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OK, I’m on a Brene kick lately, I’m in the midst of Daring Greatly, The fact of the matter is that I’m lost. I’m learning to love myself, trust myself and create boundaries that allow me to be compassionate and generous. Sometimes I’m dishonest with myself and think that I already have the things but I don’t. I know the talk, the words but I haven’t yet learned how to practice it. I’ve become extraordinarily good at numbing, my kitchen counter is spotless, the dog hair is swept off the floor, my kids don’t have skinned knees and all the laundry is washed and dried, so why the hell don’t I feel loved? The resentment and fear I’ve been holding onto lately is suffocating me and I’m just not quite sure how to handle all of this. I’m tired of blaming my unlovableness on hormones, a tumultuous childhood, abuse, betrayal, or any other situation or circumstance. The thing is I have no idea how to learn the things I know will heal these wounds and not knowing how to do something is driving me nuts. I’m a healer, and what I’ve learned is that no crystal, yoga pose, mantra, reiki or acupuncture session can heal this, there is no magic pill or button to fast forward you out of the pain and teleport you to the paradise on the other end. It’s not a destination but truly a journey where the learning is the reward not the pot of gold at the end. I’ve been watching TED talks like it’s my job lately and this one hit me particularly:

Trust is not built in these grand gestures or moments, but in the small, seemingly insignificant tokens. I get to learn how to fill my own marble jar, to feel vulnerable, to be afraid, but I also get to show up, let go of the stories and stop numbing so I can grow!

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So, here I am, I’m flawed, I’m scared, I’m lonely and in pain, I’m not very good at forgiveness but I’m practicing it everyday, I feel weak when I ask for help, I don’t know how to love or trust myself, I care too much about what others think and I measure my worth by my Facebook/ instagram likes, how much I got done that day or how often someone hugs me and tells me I’m beautiful, I don’t think I deserve happiness and I don’t know how to be an adult or have an adult relationship, I have 4 girls and I’m petrified that they will end up like me.

What I do know is that putting our fears out there kills shame, so here it all is. I’m flawed and I’m releasing the shame, I’m working on learning these life skills so I can be a better mum and person. I’m releasing the fear of not being good enough for someone and learning that the only someone that I need to be happy is me. I’m recognizing my gifts and attributes and vow to nurture them. I will say no more often, I will find joy in the ordinary, small things as that’s where it’s found, and I will be grateful for everything as it’s all a lesson!


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Sew it goes

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Somehow or another I’ve been able to carve out time to sew, it’s one of my favorite pass times and it brings a lot of joy to wear and see others wear what I’ve made, here’s what’s come off the machine lately.

Wash Dress I love this pattern, it’s a breeze to sew and looks gorgeous on, I was generously gifted some beautiful linen and I think it’ll be my favorite go to this summer!

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Summer Romper this cute as a button romper took no time at all and though it’s for Lucy, I’ll be making one for all the girls! So much fun, only wish they came in my size too!

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Matcha Top is my new favorite pattern by Sew Liberated! I’ve followed this mama for quite a while and she’s given us magic again! I made this one in cotton voile and it’s divine!

 

What projects are you sewing?


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Goodies from the weekend

We’re still inspired and elated from this weekend, I wanted to share some of the goodies we picked up from the weekend!

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No secret I love Taproot, I’m already a subscriber but I was thrilled to sign up for two more years and was generously gifted this beautiful tote, you can snag one in their shop!

This weekend was my first introduction to Urban Moonshine and I was blown away! I scooped up these three tonics and will definitely be ordering loads more! This woman run business hails from Vermont and is just what my nerves, mood and immune system needed! Look at this beautiful herb poster!

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Taproot Threads, not to be confused with the magazine but equally awesome, was my go to for clothing this weekend too! I stocked up on buttery soft organic threads for all the women in our family!

Jake got this innovative soil blocking set from The Gardeners Workshop, perfect for seed starting! Can’t wait to use these!

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Items on the list:

I wanted to come home with everything I saw this weekend but we simply didn’t have the space or resources, here are my next orders though.

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Fern Fiber absolutely enchanted me with their soft, beautifully dyed yarn, I’m making them my Mother’s Day wish list! They even list the name of the sheep on the card so you know who you’re knitting with!

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Bipods, this company was the only top bar hive represented at the fair and I’m so excited to order our first hive, we’re waiting to move to the farm before we do though. This company is not just a hive but fully supports you on your bee keeping adventure. You have access to online classes, bee keepers and troubleshooting. I’m 100% sold and feel reassured moving into this venture!


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Mother Earth News Fair Weekend

Our weekend was so much fun, overwhelming, cold, rainy, beautiful and sunny, lots of walking, a few meltdowns ( I have to claim a few), friends, animals, role models met and everything in between.

Friday we drove up early to walk around Asheville, get into the hotel and gear up for a busy Fair!

Sierra Nevada brewery blew us away! It was only a few minutes from the hotel and absolutely gorgeous! The food was all local and farm to table. The beer wasn’t too bad either haha. Go and get the duck fries, you won’t be disappointed!

Taproot! This was my favorite part of the weekend, I could have stayed in that tent forever! I’ve been a long time reader of the magazine and follower of Soulemama (I was too star struck to get a pic) and it was so awesome to spend time in the cozy space they created! Saturday was a rainy, messy day and we missed Kristen Shockey’s Kraut workshop but I was so excited to catch her talk on homeschooling on the homestead, I’m stoked and ready for this new adventure we’re taking our family on! The big girls got to weave on the loom and dye with indigo, and we all got to drool over Fern Fiber’s beautiful yarn!

Shenanigans, a hotel room with 4 kids and tired parents….

These nuggets really learned a lot, despite some attitudes, complaints and selective hearing issues we enjoyed spending the weekend learning, experiencing and immersing ourselves in homesteading.

The big girls got to take workshops all weekend too, Pat Foreman was so kind to spend time educating them on chickens, from egg all the way to table! They kept begging to bring a goat or two home!

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Goose met a beautiful Mini Jersey cow.

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Jake got to meet Joel Salatin, Jake’s been reading and following Polyface farms for quiet a while so it was inspiring to meet such a role model and listen to his lectures!

The ride home was gorgeous, we stopped in Saluda for a bite and Greys Cafe delivered! This farm to table was the perfect bookend to our weekend! Can’ wait for next year, we’ll already have our farm and will hopefully bring some furry friends back home with us too!