redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


Leave a comment

Learning


Here’s my list, I’m giving myself a year, no dates, no sex, no partners, just my fairies, my girl tribe and becoming the most magnificent self possible! 

Art, I’m going to create again, whatever medium brings joy, maybe I’ll try them all, pottery, charcoal, oils, photography, and most importantly writing, I started my book today! 

Rock climbing, I keep saying I want to and haven’t yet so that changes 

Ballet, I miss it, I miss moving my body that way

Cooking, my knife skills are lacking and I need inspiration (ask my girls)

Meditation, my mind needs to sit

Gardening, I have a gigantic yard and a dream

Learning this city, I have lived here since ’98 and for some reason cling to my comfort zone, that stops, I want to explore the park and greenways, museums, restaurants and monuments 

I’m going back to school in the truest sense of the word, educating myself on life, how to love my self, how to travel with myself, how to navigate this world in the most authentic way possible! 

Advertisements


Leave a comment

False start

1bcf8fc33b0a16034c2cc0fdd0bbbc4e.jpg

I really thought I was healed up and ready to love again, I even found the perfect man. Kind, patient, handsome, told me I was gorgeous all the time, went above and beyond to help me and was truly someone I could see myself happy with for a long time. I will probably replay my decision a million times over in my head and while I don’t believe in regrets, it’s going to come the closest. The truth is, I’m not healed, I’m not ready and I ended it. It broke my heart, but I would have never known for sure if I was with him because I was lonely, if my attachment to him was so quick and deep because of him or because of my apparent need for connection and companionship. Since my very first boyfriend when I was 15, I haven’t been alone for very long, a few weeks at minimum, maybe a few months at most, and while in my worst relationships there have been long, dark periods of loneliness and estrangement, it’s not the same.

The business, constant motion and numbing have snuck back in! Too much beer, too many excuses, too many distractions. The energy right now is so hot and heavy and I feel suffocated. My practice has become almost non existent and the meditation that was helping me so much in this new transition isn’t being given the time it deserves.

My soul has been through so much and my body is feeling it. I’m exhausted and achy and not myself. I recognize it, I feel it, I see it, so let’s change it. I deleted that stupid dating app off my phone, the last straw was seeing my exes profile, he had our babies photos and their names and I felt sick to my stomach, it’s an epic waste of time and a needless distraction.

I’m going to take a break from drinking for a bit, just to get some clarity

I’m going to start practicing again

I’m going to love myself, take long baths, read, meditate, be still, be uncomfortable in the stillness if I have to be, but still, none the less

I’m going to be lonely, let myself cry, sob, feel so empty that it seems nothing can fill me up and that’s when the magic happens, that’s when the trip down the mountain happens.

I’m going to buy myself flowers and take myself out on dates again. This blog began that way and I miss it, me, unapologetically me.

I’m going to not give a fuck anymore

I’m going to try new things and see new places, my passports been expired for far too long

I’m going to grow and learn

 


Leave a comment

What I want now….

4ed39e341e7be81b183d8093b66f699d.jpg

I’m free, free from chains, free from abuse, free from cancer, free from marriage, free to love my girls, free from depression, free from oppression, free from guilt, free to be myself, unnapologetically!

These sweeping declarations come to me frequently these days and here they are:

I made a big mistake, I gave too much and I caused pain.

I will never regret anything in my life, it’s brought me here and made me who I am.

I will even sacrifice myself and my current happiness to ensure I become the best version of myself, only then will I be a worthy mum for my girls.

I have no desire to be told what to do, controlled, “taught”, or anything of the like, I set my own alarm, modify my own thermostat and leave my flood light on all the time.

I’m a whirlwind and love it, I don’t know how to be anything but!

I don’t take kindly to being ignored, when I ask for something I mean it, breathing room is a necessity right now, I need a bigger pot, more soil, my roots have ached to grow and so they will. My branches are expanding.

Stand back and watch.

 

 

 

 

 


Leave a comment

Paying Attention

81a2f3e40fb43b4e5697b843dd7c22e9.jpg

For the first time, in a long time, I’m paying attention to what’s going on. In my head, my heart and my soul. Sometimes the timing is off, or signs that once led you places quickly take you away and the listening to those signs is often heartbreaking. I’m learning to cherish the experiences as they happen, to allow them to slip through my fingers without grasping and above all to love freely. My freedom is the most important thing to me and having just been given the gift of it, I will never sign it over again. So, I continue trudging on, unpacking my life and growing my roots, loving my fairies hard in the process!


Leave a comment

I’ve landed

Loves I have landed! I had such a beautiful group of friends and family help me get here and a very special angel! My life is full and the future is bright! I’m standing in a puddle of boxes but I’m embracing the birth of this home and even the labor pains!


Leave a comment

Packing up

I’m sitting in the middle of my living room, surrounded by boxes and filled with gratitude. I’m feeling waves of joy, sadness, excitement, worry, dread but most importantly of love. The beautiful souls who have waltzed into my life in the last few years have been too great and important to name or count. These beautiful faces show up, when needed most, some angels, some guardians, some family and friends but all essential to this life! It takes a village and I’ve leaned heavily on mine these last few months of transition. Only a few more sleeps in this place, I’m trying to honor it, let it be what it is, embracing the good that was had, releasing the bad.

While I was packing things up today I came across my rings, I honestly forgot where I had put them, but seeing them cracked me, It opened me, it wounded me even deeper than I thought any one object could and not because I miss the person who gave them to me, not because I want to get married again (I don’t), not because they stood for this facade of the perfect couple and family (that was as fake as the ring), but it rattled me so much because I’m still grieving, I’m still sad and I’m still really angry. The tears that streamed down my face and the cries that burst from my lungs were not that of a healed woman, I’m learning I’m not there yet. I’m learning I have a long way to go but I’m headed in the right direction.

The love that has been showered on me lately has helped to keep this heart open and this soul complete, I’m bruised and humbled but I’m here, present and accounted for. The life that gets nurtured and manifested is going to be one as epic and bold as the past should have been. With out fear, what ifs and restraint!


Leave a comment

Death of a garden

 

This house and especially this garden are coming to an end. It’s fitting that the last few months here have been mine and my girls! I struggled with what to do with the garden when it become mine to tend, it was never completely mine and I had little to do with its planning.

I remember having a conversation with a girlfriend, who also happens to be an amazing gardener, and her words hit me! “Let it die”, she said, ” or better yet, pull that shit up and plant yourself some pretty flowers!” Then she brought me some gorgeous Zinnias, and I did just that, pulled up what was left, shriveled and unloved, and planted things that would bloom, my things, my blooms. I’ve spent a lot of time, tending to, photographing and writing about this space, these plants, and while I’m happy I did, I get to move. I get to leave the dirt healthier and more vibrant than when I found it, but I’ll leave it bare. It’s part of wiping the slate clean, for myself, more than the next stewards.