redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


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Realizations

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Gaining immeasurable steps of independence 

The task of furnishing and putting together said furniture is usually monumental, even more so after nasty break ups and dividing up possessions is over. I’ve spent my fair share of time hunting on offer up and marketplace to fill my home on my budget which is almost non existent. With each piece of furniture put together and each box that gets taken to the curb after being unpacked, I’m getting stronger, lighter and more open! I’m claiming the independence I’ve always craved and feeding my soul at the same time! I never knew I was capable of doing it all on my own, I always knew I wanted to, I just don’t think most people work that way. They want to be needed more than they want to be wanted. I don’t ever want to allow myself to need a person again. I can spend time, enjoy company and even allow myself to love someone again, but I refuse to submit, hand over or cut off my ability to come and go freely. I actually really love the idea of having one person who I can do that with, live separately and function as two independently moving wheels that come together when they want to but aren’t tied down or controlled! So, like this bookcase, I’m putting myself together one piece at a time, slowly and carefully with out force (ok maybe not like this bookcase)!


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Today and learning how to take it one day and emotion at a time…

Today was a good day, despite frantically getting four girls under 10 ready for school on time, dropping the babies off and heading into the office and clients respectively, in the rain, it was a very good day! But somehow, after my last client and on the way to sit in the car pool line, the tears flowed and wouldn’t stop. I tried. But like a levy, it broke.

I oscillate between being a fiery bad ass that doesn’t want to feel, that doesn’t want to hurt anymore, because it’s all too much, that can handle it all on her own, without help and without anyone to muddle and mess things up and a woman who wants a man to take care of her. I have to be solo, strong, unrelenting and hard but the truth is, I ache to be soft. There are times I wish someone would come and hold me. I want a partner to walk through this life with, enjoying, learning, sharing. What makes me less worthy of that than anyone else? I know I’m not special, so why can’t I have that partnership? Why can’t I have love and why do my girls have to suffer with me? Yes, they have fathers, but I want to show them what a healthy, happy, loving relationship is and I haven’t gotten it right yet, in fact, I haven’t gotten much right yet. I have felt my way through life and don’t plan on changing that bit, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I don’t have answers and I don’t have plans, I have tasked myself with mere survival at this point and that is difficult enough.

I feel a pull, there is a line tethered to my heart and to someone else at the other end, it’s a long, winding, knotted and frayed line, but it’s there and I feel it. I can feel my heart calling out for them and even though I thought I found them a few times and even though those experiences have all ended poorly, they’ve somehow gotten me closer. The failed attempts have given me my greatest gifts, those bright, beautiful fairies I’m lucky enough to call mine.

So, dear heart, as wholehearted as you are and as wholehearted as I am, I’m still sending out this beacon, a light, a hope and wish, I’m here and ready for you!


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I’m falling in love…

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I’m falling in love with freedom, my own self and my untethered future.

With the moments of stolen silence, even if in the car, 2 seconds on the porch by myself, or those moments in the morning before my feet hit the floor.

I’m falling in love with my bravery (stupidity), as I navigate putting myself out there.

I’m falling in love, ever so slightly with each person who bares a tiny piece of their soul to me, even if it’s short lived and quickly covered up.

I’m falling in love with saying no or steering away from things not meant for me.

I’m falling in love with chance encounters and conversations.

I’m falling in love with that ever present feeling my soul partner is on his way to me.

I’m falling in love with idea of having fun instead of settling down.

I’m falling in love with my flaws and quirks, knowing they make me, me. human, loved and authentic!

I’m falling in love with this journey, eyes wide open and fingers spread wide!


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Half empty/ half full

There’s this old Buddhist story of a family, a husband and a wife and their only son, I don’t remember word for word but a series of events unfolds and the son goes off to war and comes back inured and the mother is devastated at both events, but learns gratitude that the son came back at all because the rest of the soldiers didn’t. It’s a lesson in being calm, despite outside influences, events and distractions! I learned this story years ago and though I’ve tried, lately things have just been too much to handle and I’ve been swimming in a constant sea of overwhelm.

Today I was on my way to a client and I heard a huge pop and a jerk at the wheel and the scrape of a rim. Luckily I wasn’t on 77, as I usually am, and wasn’t going fast, nor did I have kids in the car! I pulled over as quickly as I could and popped the trunk to start digging out the jack and the tire iron, but they weren’t there. I knew exactly where they were, the ex, never good about putting things back where they came from, had borrowed them and never put them back in their place. So here I am, blown out tire, no tools and late for a client. So per the story, and my usual reaction, I could have lost my shit, sobbed, stomped my feet, but it wouldn’t have fixed anything and it would have led me down a path of even more stress, I even did my absolute best to let go of the fact that I could have fixed it myself if my things had been returned.

So the silver lining, my tire blew out right in front of the Maserati dealership. I walked over, asked them to borrow a tire iron and a jack and these sweet souls helped, no questions asked. They asked for my keys and in 10 minutes I was out the door.  I was left in tears and full of gratitude, I could easily dwell on how much that experience sucked, that I’m alone and doing this on my own, that I could have fixed it myself had I not been wronged, how losing the deposit on my last house wasn’t my fault and that money was going to be used on new tires and brakes that I desperately need to keep my girls and I safe, but in that moment my thought was a happy one. Even a question, I wonder if these guys will help me? Their kindness answered and it’s so much more than changing a tire for a tired woman driving a tired, beat up mini van, it was hope that there are amazing people out there still, that there are so many blessing just floating around us if we can only take the time and space to be open to them. It was a reminder that I’m not alone, that I’m not empty, I’m full and very grateful!