Ok, it hasn’t been three years and I actually have been productive but sometimes it feels like I’ve moved backward.

I’m still not very good at sitting in stillness with my emotions, or anything else for that matter. I’ve been numbing, constantly moving and busy. I feel emotions in an extremely big way and the shit that comes out of me is often pretty intense and heavy so it makes it worse. It’s something I’m committing to working on. To feel the things so I can heal the hurt fully. I’ve been wounded and bleeding on people that didn’t hurt me for a while and it’s time to release that behavior and move on.  I’ve also been revisiting some of the same old stories in my head, stories of abuse, unspeakable trauma and pain. The stories actually happened but the retelling of them over and over doesn’t do any good. The universe keeps presenting these memories so I can forgive and move on but fuck it hurts.

Forgiveness is a life theme of mine and the deeper I walk this path the deeper the level of forgiveness is needed. How do you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply, when you were so young that you couldn’t stand up for yourself? Unfortunately that too is a life theme that has been very present. Both are lessons that have been replayed so many times: same game, different players.

Yesterday I received and amazing yet intense energy session and 30 years of shame, guilt, anger, pain and hurt got pulled out of me and it didn’t go quietly. It was a release so big I was left with what felt like a gaping hole in my heart. So now my job is to fill that hole with love. Self-Love. The kind of love that fills me up with joy, purpose, the lasting kind. Not the quick fix, bandaid of throwing things into a black hole. The problem is, I don’t know how to do that or even what it looks or feels like. I’m not sure I’ve ever approached life, in any capacity, with the goal of self growth or transformation that didn’t quickly get side tracked by my need of validation from someone else.

A friend sent me this article and it hit home in a big way. Interests, seeds, being with myself. I’ve been alone for years, I’ll occasionally date briefly and it always ends. It ends so quickly because even though it’s a different person I keep going back to the path of least resistance. If I throw all of my affection, gifts, things I’ll do for them in a big gift box with a pretty bow and give it to them maybe somehow, one of those things will be enough to make them stay. Maybe one of those things will keep them from abusing me, or cheating on me, or abandoning me. Maybe if I do more, shrink more, lose weight, were prettier or wear makeup, smile more, or keep the house spotless they will tell me that I’m worthy of love, that I am enough. Let me tell you, throwing all of your well intentioned love shit at someone is not going to get you closer to loving yourself or knowing your worth. Some people have figured out their worth, they’ve figured out that just by being themselves they deserve love, good jobs, nice houses. They don’t nearly kill themselves trying to prove their worth to other people, it’s just there, like the skin that covers their bones.

So my mission, is to learn to love myself, to redefine who I am and, what my worth is on my own. No one can help me with this, as much as that hurts, I have to let go. I’m lucky to have an amazing net of beautiful souls who love and support me, but ultimately this path is mine to walk alone.

I’ve always loved this quote and the source. When I look at her work I get the sense that she was fearless, truly a pioneer! I have a sink full of dirty dishes, a bed full of laundry to fold and put away, I’m exhausted and months behind on bills, sleep and anything resembling a fully functioning adult and mum. Yet, today I spent almost the whole day building a brooder and tomorrow I’m getting chicks and ducklings. What the fuck am I thinking? I had a melt down when I walked in the door, toting two babies, bags on each shoulder and my second oldest who wasn’t supposed to let Murray in yet, did. Screaming, peeing (Murray not me), babies crying and all of the things. I had a momentary thought of “I can’t do this”, “I need help”, “I am not enough”. Then I put my big girl panties on and gave the babies a bath, calmed them and myself down, got the littles to bed and cracked a beer so I could write.

I don’t ever want fear to stop me from doing what I’m passionate about, I know there is a lot stacked against me and I’m responsible for it all! I know that I will have days like today where I can’t handle it, and I know I’ll melt down. I also know that if I don’t do this I’ll never forgive myself, I won’t be doing my best or living up to my potential! I want to make a difference, I want to share this passion and potentially ignite that same passion in others! If everyone kept backyard chickens, a garden, and or bees we could not only make a dent in the monsanto/walmart/chemical laden fake food epidemic, we could actually stop it. You’d be blown away by the amount of food you can produce in a small space and even if you grow one or two veggies you could trade with a neighbor who grew different veggies. The connection that could be fostered between ourselves and our neighbors, our food, our own health could be re-grown in no time! So, it’s more than just chicks, ducklings, a pet goat and herbs. It’s coming back to a way of life that has become so eroded and almost obsolete! So even though I’m afraid of failure, embarrassment, and losing my shit, I honestly don’t have a choice, my heart would never allow it!

I went to the farmers market with the babies this morning and picked up the most beautiful flowers, duck eggs, salami, shitake mushrooms, and crab cakes. Almost as soon as I got home I got started on lunch, pure excitement and anticipation. I sauteed the mushrooms in butter and garlic, added a handful of spinach and let it wilt before I covered it with whisked duck eggs, it was near perfection until I went for the sea salt and dumped the whole damn thing in the pan because the lid to the cracker was unscrewed. Now, had it been another day, another month I would have lost my shit and let it ruin my day. The effort, time, money spent on lunch would have thrown me over the edge. Today, in that moment, I threw my head back and laughed. Simultaneously the crab cake I was cooking started to fall apart, despite my best efforts to keep it neat, tidy, and intact. I scratched the eggs, busted up the crab cake and cracked one single egg in the pan to make this! It was scrumptious!

Sometimes we have this elaborate plan, it’s tidy and neatly folded and the color stays in the lines but sometimes there’s an explosion of bitter salt and things fall apart and we’re left with two choices. One, absolutely lose our shit, stomp our feet and curse the skies for things not going according to our plan, or Two, we can throw our heads back, giggle, wipe the slate clean and start over. The amazing thing is the second, third, fourth or millionth time around things tend to be so much better. Easier, organic, effortless and incredibly delicious!

The groove I’ve found myself in the last few days is one of ease, I’m spring cleaning, my house and my life, cooking again, reading again, gardening again. I’m not doing it out of spite, I’m doing it out of love for myself. It feels right and kind and good.