redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


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No one is going to fucking save you

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Maybe I had a moment, or a few moments, tired as shit, washing dishes and cursing to myself about how I’m the only one who does the fucking dishes. I have these brief seconds of wishing, daydreaming, that some knight, tall and sexy, come up behind me, wraps his arms around me and slides a glass of wine in my hand and tells me to park my sexy ass on the couch so he can wash the dishes for me. Then I wake up to an alarm I’ve been hitting the snooze on for 10 minutes, screaming like a banshee for the midgets to get ready for school.

Moral of the story, there’s no knight and a constant sink full of dishes that are all my responsibility.  It’s the old story of wanting help but getting frustrated when they don’t do it right so you just do everything yourself. The fact is, it’s easier, saner and tidier to just do everything myself. I still don’t trust people not to butcher my heart, I still don’t trust my heart to pick the right ones, and I have no fucking clue how badly my being alone is fucking up my kids. I don’t think I’m Wonder Woman at all, but I do feel the weight, and it’s fucking heavy. I’m not complaining, I know this is just how things are, temporary as all of this is, and they will get better and they might get worse, but I’m trying to stay in the present moment. Aching for connection, touch, deep conversation and cuddles, but content to call the shots.

The resentment I used to feel when I had a partner unable to live up to what my crazy heart/brain wanted, needed, expected has all but fallen away. If something doesn’t get accomplished I know exactly who to blame! No one is coming to save me, I don’t need to be saved, nor do I want to be. I’m afraid of unleashing this weight on anyone, I’m afraid of what being myself will do to anyone, I’m impulsive, spontaneous, wild and loving, I need my freedom but desperately want someone man enough to walk by my side, to hold my hand, occasionally check me, but always love, support and lovingly shake their head at me. I don’t want to wait six months for love, no matter how perfect those two days were.  I have to suffer the consequences either way.

I’m taking this armor off because it’s heavy, My skin is thick, almost bulletproof at this point, true to my sign, I have a shield and a bow and arrow. I let all of this out not for pity, I have no use for that, not for attention, not for anything other than opening this scarred, bruised yet full heart just a little more. Nothing is perfect, the highlight reel we see or chose to project, there are screams, falls, face plants dodged bullets and scrapes. It’s human and it’s life.

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I am mine

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I am mine. Mine to enjoy, to learn, to be. I’m releasing the struggle to please, to cater to and sacrifice for. I’m leaning into the feelings and emotions and pain again. Open- handedly walking through this space, not grasping the good or pushing away the bad but allowing myself to feel it all. If you don’t allow yourself to feel the bad, you won’t ever fully feel the good. Still, not chasing. Present, not looking too far ahead. Finding joy in every moment possible. I feel supported and loved by my tribe.


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Amazonian

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From now on you’re going to hear my voice, not the voice of the person I think I should be, not the voice a mum is supposed to have, not the voice someone who wants a mate is supposed to have, but mine. She says “Fuck you” a lot, she does what she wants because her intuition is rarely wrong and she doesn’t give two shits what other people think or how they see her. I have had enough of playing small, I’ve had enough of being scared and I’ve had enough of trying to be what everyone else needs. I can tell other people how to be badasses all day long but when it comes to letting my warrior goddess out, I’ve become a chicken shit. I’ve let circumstances, mistakes and wrong turns get the best of me and pull me off balance, I’ve let other peoples irrational opinions of me become my truth and I’ve allowed people to take my magic.

It stops here, I get to rewrite, so here goes.

I’m an amazing mother who loves her kids more than life itself! Am I tough on them? Yes! Do I spoil them with material stuff? No! Do they know when they’ve made bad choices or fallen short of clearly communicated expectations? FUCK YES THEY DO! My job is not to look like the perfect mom or coddle them, my job is to love, nurture and prepare them for an extremely successful life without me!

I’m a good person, imperfect, raw, vulnerable and flawed, but still good! I don’t lie, cheat, or steal. I love too hard and sometimes too quickly, I’m loyal, kind and sometimes give too much and then feel resentful afterward. The problem with me is that I can tell when something is off when someone is being dishonest, and while I can’t read minds, I know enough to know when to walk away, I haven’t listened to that voice on three occasions and they all ended disastrously!

I’m strong, despite not having the family support system that most people have and even despite having that thrown in my face, I always seem to figure it out anyway. I’m fortunate enough to have a network of beautiful, wholehearted, caring people and it’s amazing! I’m strong because giving up or giving in just isn’t an option for me. I get deflated and exhausted as much as the next person but deep down, I’ve always felt lucky.  I’ve been hurt, pushed and harassed enough in the last year to cover me for the rest of my life, I’ve almost given up a few times too. The thing is when a good, loyal person is pushed to that point and they get up, you had better run. No more smallness, no more wishy-washy people pleasing and no, I don’t care what you think!


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I’m not sure why but I thought I’d be further along on this reconstruction than I am. That’s what this whole past year has been, demolition after demolition, breaking down thought processes, memories, beliefs, “truths”. So much growth, with so many balls in the air and so many people counting on me, has taken its toll and honestly, all I feel right now is exhaustion.

On my bad days, this has just been a tough week, I allow myself to focus on the stress, strain and the seemingly impossible task of being everything to my children, focusing on work and having a sliver left over for myself. On my bad days, I feel overwhelmed and I give in to fear, sadness, loneliness, and anger. It’s a struggle raising 4 kids with a willing and helpful partner, let alone trying to accomplish the long list solo. The fear tells me I’m not enough for my fairies, that I’m not that great of a yoga teacher despite loving it, that I’m unworthy of the affection I seek, that I’ll never make all the crazy ideas in my head a reality and that I take on too much.

A year ago I spent the day sobbing, my partner at the time had conveniently picked my birthday to start a fight, this wasn’t unusual, and it lasted all day, it was a way to escape having to do anything nice for me and expertly throw it in my face. It was a way to drain and deplete me until I had no power left to argue or struggle, I went to bed without even eating dinner. I’ve been dreading tomorrow for a while now, it brings back so many memories of shitty birthdays past, and reminds me that I’m running out of time, it reminds me I’m alone.

Now for the rebuild, even though I’m rundown, I recognize the amazing people, opportunities, and gifts! I see how far I’ve come and what I’ve had to wade through to get here. To some people, it may seem like pure madness but there is always a method behind it, even if I can see every step, I feel protected and guided. In the past two months, so many things have changed and the future, while unknown, feels bigger and brighter than I could have ever dreamed of and I think, I feel, it only gets better from here.

The bad days happen, sometimes the fear gets out of the corner without asking, and sometimes life surprises you.


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Sunflour epiphany

I may have just witnessed something that cracked me! I’m celebrating my birthday this week and my favorite spot, Sunflour bakery, sent me a free pastry coupon! I happily accepted! While shoving my ginormous, flaky, powdered sugar covered confection in my mouth I was privy to something so sweet it almost brought me to tears. Mind you, being plastered with powdered sugar all over my face was probably enough to embarrass me, I didn’t want to break down too, but I almost did!

A woman, clearly out of her mind intoxicated, sat, well hunched, actually it was more of a hunch and occasional bob, girlfriend was feeling good, trying to eat lunch. Her partner, attentively trying to keep her from falling over or spilling water all over herself just looked at her adoringly. This is completely foreign to me, it was almost as if I was in one of those movies, what was that Brendan Frazier movie where he grew up in an underground bunker and didn’t understand sarcasm?! I felt like that, and the joke was on me! She wasn’t consumed with guilt for her condition or behavior, she just was, being present, in the moment, shitfaced at 2:30 in the afternoon, eating a sandwich. And he, wasn’t judging her, wasn’t being mean or embarrassed, he just was, being present, in the moment, watching his person trying to drunkenly eat her sandwich. When the sandwiches were eaten, they got up, did a little dance together, she even fixed his coat, then they waltzed out hand in hand, smiling at each other.

Now I’m not saying I want to be shitfaced at 2:30 shoving a sandwich in my mouth while my partner looks at me, I am saying my heart fluttered at the possibility that anyone could love me that unconditionally, or be willing to be that present with me!


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New Adventure

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I’m busting at the seams to announce this new adventure! I’m leading the yoga program at Stax and I couldn’t be happier about it! 13 classes a week, keeping things simple, focusing on amazing yoga and our students! We have two beautiful studios, one heated one not, a gorgeous lobby, showers so you can come early before work, sweat and and be on your way! Stax is your one stop shop for all things wellness, keep your body strong with Crossfit, your body and mind flexible with yoga, and relax with Thai massage! Your first class is free and the magic kicks off 12/12 at 7:45 PM for Deep Stretch!

Enter through the side entrance under the StaxCryo sign!

StaxYoga Charlotte, 3722 S Tryon St Charlotte NC 28217


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Full moon rant

Maybe it’s the moon, the homemade pizza, beers, or time with all my little women but this month, day even hour seems raw to me. So beautiful, haunting and stirring all at the same time! I shed tears over making pizza and laughed when Sam made a huge mess, giggling while stuffing her face full of sauce and cheese. Here’s the deal, I’m tired, lonely, and incredibly sad! I have hope but that beautiful, manly hope is two hours away and brand new!

Why am I manifesting perfect men that are not here?! They each get better and closer but not here?! So the question I’m asking myself, am I honoring my need for space?! Or am I feeding my unworthiness vice?! And how the fuck do I know the difference between the two?

I fell hard after my split only to be cheated on and lied to by another, then was swept off my feet by a handsome stranger in passing, and now, my heart has been captivated and pulled completely, but there’s distance still. The moon is bewitching tonight, so I sit, on my porch, drinking my beer with Buddha and listen to the nights secrets. I’m no closer to figuring out what I’m doing but at least there has come a gentle ease, a releasing of fear. This life, these experiences are exactly what we need, dare say, what we created. Not convenient, not easy, but still blisteringly divine!