Ok, it hasn’t been three years and I actually have been productive but sometimes it feels like I’ve moved backward.
I’m still not very good at sitting in stillness with my emotions, or anything else for that matter. I’ve been numbing, constantly moving and busy. I feel emotions in an extremely big way and the shit that comes out of me is often pretty intense and heavy so it makes it worse. It’s something I’m committing to working on. To feel the things so I can heal the hurt fully. I’ve been wounded and bleeding on people that didn’t hurt me for a while and it’s time to release that behavior and move on. I’ve also been revisiting some of the same old stories in my head, stories of abuse, unspeakable trauma and pain. The stories actually happened but the retelling of them over and over doesn’t do any good. The universe keeps presenting these memories so I can forgive and move on but fuck it hurts.
Forgiveness is a life theme of mine and the deeper I walk this path the deeper the level of forgiveness is needed. How do you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply, when you were so young that you couldn’t stand up for yourself? Unfortunately that too is a life theme that has been very present. Both are lessons that have been replayed so many times: same game, different players.
Yesterday I received and amazing yet intense energy session and 30 years of shame, guilt, anger, pain and hurt got pulled out of me and it didn’t go quietly. It was a release so big I was left with what felt like a gaping hole in my heart. So now my job is to fill that hole with love. Self-Love. The kind of love that fills me up with joy, purpose, the lasting kind. Not the quick fix, bandaid of throwing things into a black hole. The problem is, I don’t know how to do that or even what it looks or feels like. I’m not sure I’ve ever approached life, in any capacity, with the goal of self growth or transformation that didn’t quickly get side tracked by my need of validation from someone else.
A friend sent me this article and it hit home in a big way. Interests, seeds, being with myself. I’ve been alone for years, I’ll occasionally date briefly and it always ends. It ends so quickly because even though it’s a different person I keep going back to the path of least resistance. If I throw all of my affection, gifts, things I’ll do for them in a big gift box with a pretty bow and give it to them maybe somehow, one of those things will be enough to make them stay. Maybe one of those things will keep them from abusing me, or cheating on me, or abandoning me. Maybe if I do more, shrink more, lose weight, were prettier or wear makeup, smile more, or keep the house spotless they will tell me that I’m worthy of love, that I am enough. Let me tell you, throwing all of your well intentioned love shit at someone is not going to get you closer to loving yourself or knowing your worth. Some people have figured out their worth, they’ve figured out that just by being themselves they deserve love, good jobs, nice houses. They don’t nearly kill themselves trying to prove their worth to other people, it’s just there, like the skin that covers their bones.
So my mission, is to learn to love myself, to redefine who I am and, what my worth is on my own. No one can help me with this, as much as that hurts, I have to let go. I’m lucky to have an amazing net of beautiful souls who love and support me, but ultimately this path is mine to walk alone.