redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love

Tag Archives: heart


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Plants and the seasons…

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Have you ever been in a no man’s land? You weren’t angry or particularly unhappy but there was an insatiable craving for something other than what you had. Enough OFF to be unnerving, like somehow you weren’t doing what you were meant to be or living up to your potential or something. So, I’m there, but add some guilt, shame, and disappointment with my own expectations and impulsiveness and for someone who usually flies by the seat of her pants and doesn’t give two shits, this is uncomfortable. I’m fortunate enough to have an amazing network of friends, they’ve been kind enough to humor me and listen to my insane ramblings, the truth is that no one else can get me through this slump except for myself. It’s time to get off this loop, it’s time to stop doing the same old shit, it’s time to change.

 

Elizabeth Gilbert poignantly pointed out, ” I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting sick of their own bullshit.”

 

I spent all week cleaning house, rearranging furniture, purging, cleaning out closets, donating extra stuff and filling my home with even more plants. I cared for my garden, I slept in when I could and I probably drank way too much beer. I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel, I just want to let go of the blockages and find my place.


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Don’t Stop

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I received my long awaited, new tarot cards in the mail today and it lit my heart on fire! Excited like a kid at Christmas I ripped the packaging open and thumbed through them! I pulled an 11 card cosmic draw and the last one hit me.

#11 Potential outcome- TRUST YOUR PATH (IF YOU KNEW YOU WOULD BE SUPPORTED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

No, I didn’t forget the caps were on, it’s just that important.

 

There is no wrong, there is no right. Did I have to experience death, pain, betrayal, abandonment, infidelity, abuse, loneliness, hurt, anger, stress?

YES

Lessons learned, tools garnished and a fresh path ahead.

Please don’t let fear stop you, please don’t lose your focus and please don’t ever stop wanting what you need or thinking you don’t deserve it. Strength and integrity is not housed in an Instagram feed, a hashtag, someone’s arms or in victimhood. It is forged in those small, consistent moments, often painful, often alone.


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Word of the week

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I was scrolling and came across a video of two mums talking about what was actually normal, there’s no manual or unfiltered script for what is normal as a mum. They proceeded to make me feel so much better about my me-ness and when they mentioned it’s ok to cry multiple times a day and even do so in public I was immediately transported to yesterday, after school in the grocery store with my big girls. They were having meltdowns and legitimately crying over the fact I was making them eat veggies for dinner, I hadn’t even mustered the energy to cook them yet and I was already getting a kickback. I can’t remember exactly what I said to them, but the gist was, “Oh my dear God, you’re lucky you have healthy, organic food, a mum who scrapes her ish together just enough to cook and sometimes do the dishes and so many kids don’t have either!” I may have managed to speak it as opposed to scream it too! I hear a sweet voice from the check out isle next to ours say, ” You’re an awesome mom”! I fucking lost it and started balling, then Amelie did, but I think it was because she didn’t want to eat the damn mushrooms, and it hit me so hard I could barely breathe. I have been doing this whole thing on my own for a year, exactly. There aren’t tap outs, ass smacks or “Babe you did a good job tonight” at my place and to have a stranger outright compliment me pierced my heart in such a beautiful way I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I don’t even know what my response to her was, other than to put my hand on my heart and mouth thank you, while I proceeded to break down like a toddler.

 

How often do we call out the beautiful things we see? Do we even comprehend how merely complimenting the smallest, most insignificant thing we see can drastically change someones day or week? That sweet woman did more for me in those few words than anyone has for me in a long time! It stirred something in me, a camaraderie a connection, we have to stick together, women, mothers, feeling, breathing, caring people. Our flaws and lost shit moments are what make us human and when we start trying to cover those things up we become no more than automated robots. Let’s be open and raw, let’s be loving, let’s have each others back!


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Shifting Gears

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Sometimes out of habit, force or pride, we continue doing things that just don’t serve us. Our intentions may be honorable and good but ultimately cause us lots of stress, anxiety, and pain. Guess what? We aren’t statues or trees, we can move, we can shift and we can reposition the loads we carry. Often that means releasing things, ideas, people and even places that don’t serve us. I can feel spring steadily on its way and my shedding process has begun, I’m clearing out and decluttering so I can be light, free and do the most good. This is a huge step for me, creating space for myself, without guilt and it feels absolutely amazing!


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Let go

Drink up baby doll
Mmm are you in or out
Leave your things behind
‘Cause it’s all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy oh, writing a tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap when
You’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go
And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it give
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow
Such boundless pleasure
We’ve no time for later now
You can’t await your own arrival
You’ve twenty seconds to comply

so let go
And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

Mmm the breakdown
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
Hey, the breakdown
So amazing, yeah
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

 

This life is a rollercoaster, hang on, let go, push yourself out into uncharted territory and pull yourself back into comfort.

 

What happens when you find a soul who is a complete stranger yet comforts you: body, mind and soul? It’s so much more difficult to let go of, yet so much more necessary to.

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I’m releasing you sir, you have and always will have my heart, but in the name of logic, I’m releasing you.

 

It’s funny but my thoughts are drawn to energy, as they would be, energy doesn’t die, or cease to exist, it just changes form. So as we inhale, exhale, hold and release, there energy is, there vibration is, there life is. Sometimes you learn what love is when you wound yourself a little, not intentionally, just a graze. It happens, we survive it somehow, it fucking hurts like hell though, 1733.


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Manifesting magic

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It’s no secret that life has been challenging lately. Stressful, hard, and full of surprises yet somehow, life has also been amazing! Last week was a difficult and stressful week. I made it though, and I experienced a lot of joy. I was able to broaden out of the muck and allow myself to see the light, I sat in solitude, I meditated, I basked in some breathtaking sunrises and sunsets, I worked and I spent time with my fairies. I made it through another month, and not just made it, but I felt it, I lived it and I prospered through! I celebrated this home with beautiful people, I felt loved and felt free. The further I walk this journey the more gratitude I’m filled with. I’m so lucky to have experienced the pain that ignited this growth, it’s allowed me to see what I’m made of, it’s taught me boundaries and a depth of love for myself I never thought could exist!


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Clarity

I got some much needed clarity today, day two of lawn mowing and it was glorious! Thursday mornings are the one morning I wake up slowly, no kids, just me and Murray. I drank my coffee on the back porch and then went to work. I don’t know if it was the smell of freshly cut grass and ivy, the way the sun looked almost gold flashing off the green or the stillness, but it all hit me that I’m ok. I’m ok. More than ok I’m amazing! I feel light and open and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else! I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t ventured into victimhood territory, I’ve actually been there a lot lately but I’m attempting to get out and stay out.

Perspective is a funny thing, and when people take your words and flip their meanings it feels invasive, self centered and down right narcissistic. My past is that, my past. Once I cut someone out of my life, they stay there, OUT! No one got me to this place, I did, through trial, error, a lot of mistakes and a few happy accidents. I refuse to let anyone take credit for my work, my emotions, my words. Two things I esteem above all, honesty and integrity and if you lie to me, you’re done. If you neglect, withhold, and or try to shove your narcissist shit down my throat, you’ll never see or hear from me again.

 

I’m as transparent as they come and you’ll know exactly how I feel, I can’t hide it, good or bad. So if you’re sitting there wondering if this is about you, go throw some Carly Simon on and look in the mirror. None of this is about anyone one else other than me. If that makes me selfish then fine. This is my life, my space, my family and my blog, no one else gets to take credit or judge it. This is a space for me to express, freely, openly and completely unedited what I’m experiencing in the hopes that releasing it all will not only heal me, but allow others to heal as well. I’m not here to stroke egos, to be analyzed and or second guessed!

I’m so fortunate to have such an amazing framily and thank god, because when you can’t rely on your own mother and father to help you when you’re down, it gets lonely.

I’m going to end with gratitude because it’s the best way to start and to finish. I’m grateful for my gorgeous fairies, I’m grateful for my black and white puppy, I’m grateful for this beautiful house to raise them in, I’m grateful to do what I love, I’m grateful to be alive, I’m grateful for friends old and new, I’m grateful for a serendipitous meeting that filled my heart with more joy and happiness than I’ve felt in a long time, Arizona is too lucky to have you, I’m grateful for resilience and strength, it came to me by blood, ancestors long passed and those delightful whispers in my ear, I’m grateful for the tribe that helps keep me glued together, my girls, my acupuncturist, my yoga mat, and the guardians that probably have their heads in their hands 3/4 of the time, most of all for my heart, it hasn’t stopped beating and it continues to open, despite heart break, wider and deeper each time.