redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


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Don’t Stop

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I received my long awaited, new tarot cards in the mail today and it lit my heart on fire! Excited like a kid at Christmas I ripped the packaging open and thumbed through them! I pulled an 11 card cosmic draw and the last one hit me.

#11 Potential outcome- TRUST YOUR PATH (IF YOU KNEW YOU WOULD BE SUPPORTED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

No, I didn’t forget the caps were on, it’s just that important.

 

There is no wrong, there is no right. Did I have to experience death, pain, betrayal, abandonment, infidelity, abuse, loneliness, hurt, anger, stress?

YES

Lessons learned, tools garnished and a fresh path ahead.

Please don’t let fear stop you, please don’t lose your focus and please don’t ever stop wanting what you need or thinking you don’t deserve it. Strength and integrity is not housed in an Instagram feed, a hashtag, someone’s arms or in victimhood. It is forged in those small, consistent moments, often painful, often alone.

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Pregnant venting (thoughts of a severely pregnant woman)

Yes, I’m still pregnant

Yes, I’ve tried everything except black/blue cohosh and castor oil (pineapple, walking, not walking, baths, tons of water, spicy thai and indian food, sex, relaxing, massage, meditation, sleep, not thinking about it, visualizing holding Lucy)

Yes, I’m losing my mind

I’ve been in labor since Saturday, that means I’m having contractions and back pain but my cervix isn’t dialating

I’m an awful mom and yelled at my girls this morning because despite only having to get up, put on the clothes I laid out for them and eat the ready made breakfast on the counter they were 10 minutes late walking out the door, meanwhile I couldn’t find an article of clothing to fit over my fat ass and I refuse to buy more maternity clothes

My uterus is holding my sweet baby hostage

All I really want to do is teach and practice yoga but i refuse to go to a studio because it’s the equivalent of torture (people asking why I’m still pregnant, if there are two or three babies in there, telling me their horror stories, giving me advice on how to get my pre-pregnancy body back, gee, I hope your belly button doesn’t stay like that, the looks- damn she’s gotten fat)

Being self employed and not working sucks, especially when I know I still have to recover, now at lightning speed, so I can pay rent next month.

Have you ever had a contraction? They hurt!

2, the number of times I’ve been to hospital and sent back home

No, I will not tell you how much I weigh

No, I can’t remember how to be a positive ball of sunshine right now, sorry

Fear, anxiety, stress, excitement, joy, frustration…..all of it

I wonder if I could just stay in bed until my water breaks or this baby decides to come out?

No, I’m not just sick of being pregnant, I’m petrified that I’m going to bleed out, that something is going to go wrong, that I won’t make it, I have legitimate health concerns and if one more person says she’ll get here when she gets here, I’m going to lose my sh*t!

I can’t even begin to explain to you how exhausting constant unproductive contractions are, imagine being zapped with a taser at the lowest level for a minute at a time, 5-8 minutes apart for 4 days then get back to me.

I’m annoying myself at this point

I’m pretty sure I’m annoying my dogs and my cat and possibly the goldfish too

I cry, a lot, but normally only in the shower or if I lock myself in time out in the bathroom

I really just want a big ass plate of sushi and a fish bowl of Sauvignon blanc

I’m ecstatically happy about being a mum, I love my husband ( who is a saint I may add), I adore my kids ( the furry ones included)

I have managed to actually keep my laundry room clean ( you can see the floor!)

I killed the dust bunnies under the couch!

In a fit of desperation I swept off the back patio for no reason two days ago and I might do it again today

Nah, I think I’ll take a nap


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Waiting on Lucy…

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These Daffodils picked from my front yard have been one of the few things to make me smile today. My amazing hubs taking the girls to school for me was the first but these are a close second! Let me start out by saying I’ve been in labor since early Sunday morning, been to hospital and sent back because I’m not dialated. Ask anyone who is nine months pregnant what that feels like and they’ll tell you, devastating. I’m tired, grumpy, not teaching or massaging, not practicing and basically being a crazy hormonal hot mess. Yes, I’ve tried everything! Pineapple, dates, spicy, thai spicy, indian spicy, raspberry tea, tons of water, I’ve tried walking, not walking, taking relaxing baths, my sweet friends even got me an induction massage that was pure heaven (http://www.belliesandbabiesnc.com/#! ask for Christy!), cleaning the entire house top to bottom, meditation, reiki, I even did hot yoga a week ago, still…..nothing. Let me back up a bit…In 2010, after I had Amelie, I found out I had cervical cancer, I was lucky. I had surgery, required no chemo or radiation and I’m still here. The surgery went fine but I hemorrhaged a week after surgery and almost died. Two blood transfusions and a ton of rest later and I was ok but needless to say there’s a lot of fear. Not to mention the 7 hours of back labor I endured with Stella in 2007, ok yea, I hate hospitals and am petrified of the whole birthing process. I know it’s natural and beautiful, I can handle pain, I know how to breathe but I’m still not ok with the whole thing. So while I put my big girl panties on and deal with all of that, Lucy’s nursery is such a happier topic..

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Jake snagged the crib off craigslist and I absolutely love it!

I got the prints off Etsy (https://www.etsy.com/shop/KZukowski)

The Rocking chair is from Ikea, Jake’s family threw us a gorgeous shower and it was a gift from his mum, Aunt and Uncle, and grandmother and grandfather, the room is painted a greyish color and I wanted tons of bright colors to lighten things up! I made the curtains and the crib skirt myself. I just stuck lucy’s tub in the crib for storage purposes, but how awesome is it going to be, getting a bath in this cozy soft flower? Got it at Target.

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Love “Where the Wild things Are” and couldn’t wait to hang this adorable block print from Etsy (https://www.etsy.com/shop/LilMissScrappy)

Instead of cards, Jake’s grandmother had the great idea for guests to bring books, we’re huge readers and LOVE all of the cute books we’ll be reading to Lucy, We used spice wracks from Ikea to hold them, I didn’t like the idea of a big bulky bookcase and this was a great space saver! They along with the dresser we were gifted will be painted an awesome green to match the print as soon as it gets warm enough!

I made the changing pad cover from the softest flannel in my stash and love it!

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We have been so lucky to receive such amazing gifts, clothes, and this fabulous bed from my sweet friend Laurel! It’s perfect for those late night feedings when i don’t want to disturb papa bear and also for guests, Love the bedding! We love our fur babies as much as the two leggeds so I had to include some lab and siamese love! I got these prints off Etsy too! (https://www.etsy.com/shop/squarepaisleydesign, https://www.etsy.com/shop/GoingPlaces2)  We’ll add more prints to this wall, just waiting on Miss lucy!!!!!