redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


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Plants and the seasons…

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Have you ever been in a no man’s land? You weren’t angry or particularly unhappy but there was an insatiable craving for something other than what you had. Enough OFF to be unnerving, like somehow you weren’t doing what you were meant to be or living up to your potential or something. So, I’m there, but add some guilt, shame, and disappointment with my own expectations and impulsiveness and for someone who usually flies by the seat of her pants and doesn’t give two shits, this is uncomfortable. I’m fortunate enough to have an amazing network of friends, they’ve been kind enough to humor me and listen to my insane ramblings, the truth is that no one else can get me through this slump except for myself. It’s time to get off this loop, it’s time to stop doing the same old shit, it’s time to change.

 

Elizabeth Gilbert poignantly pointed out, ” I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting sick of their own bullshit.”

 

I spent all week cleaning house, rearranging furniture, purging, cleaning out closets, donating extra stuff and filling my home with even more plants. I cared for my garden, I slept in when I could and I probably drank way too much beer. I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel, I just want to let go of the blockages and find my place.

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No one is going to fucking save you

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Maybe I had a moment, or a few moments, tired as shit, washing dishes and cursing to myself about how I’m the only one who does the fucking dishes. I have these brief seconds of wishing, daydreaming, that some knight, tall and sexy, come up behind me, wraps his arms around me and slides a glass of wine in my hand and tells me to park my sexy ass on the couch so he can wash the dishes for me. Then I wake up to an alarm I’ve been hitting the snooze on for 10 minutes, screaming like a banshee for the midgets to get ready for school.

Moral of the story, there’s no knight and a constant sink full of dishes that are all my responsibility.  It’s the old story of wanting help but getting frustrated when they don’t do it right so you just do everything yourself. The fact is, it’s easier, saner and tidier to just do everything myself. I still don’t trust people not to butcher my heart, I still don’t trust my heart to pick the right ones, and I have no fucking clue how badly my being alone is fucking up my kids. I don’t think I’m Wonder Woman at all, but I do feel the weight, and it’s fucking heavy. I’m not complaining, I know this is just how things are, temporary as all of this is, and they will get better and they might get worse, but I’m trying to stay in the present moment. Aching for connection, touch, deep conversation and cuddles, but content to call the shots.

The resentment I used to feel when I had a partner unable to live up to what my crazy heart/brain wanted, needed, expected has all but fallen away. If something doesn’t get accomplished I know exactly who to blame! No one is coming to save me, I don’t need to be saved, nor do I want to be. I’m afraid of unleashing this weight on anyone, I’m afraid of what being myself will do to anyone, I’m impulsive, spontaneous, wild and loving, I need my freedom but desperately want someone man enough to walk by my side, to hold my hand, occasionally check me, but always love, support and lovingly shake their head at me. I don’t want to wait six months for love, no matter how perfect those two days were.  I have to suffer the consequences either way.

I’m taking this armor off because it’s heavy, My skin is thick, almost bulletproof at this point, true to my sign, I have a shield and a bow and arrow. I let all of this out not for pity, I have no use for that, not for attention, not for anything other than opening this scarred, bruised yet full heart just a little more. Nothing is perfect, the highlight reel we see or chose to project, there are screams, falls, face plants dodged bullets and scrapes. It’s human and it’s life.


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I’m not sure why but I thought I’d be further along on this reconstruction than I am. That’s what this whole past year has been, demolition after demolition, breaking down thought processes, memories, beliefs, “truths”. So much growth, with so many balls in the air and so many people counting on me, has taken its toll and honestly, all I feel right now is exhaustion.

On my bad days, this has just been a tough week, I allow myself to focus on the stress, strain and the seemingly impossible task of being everything to my children, focusing on work and having a sliver left over for myself. On my bad days, I feel overwhelmed and I give in to fear, sadness, loneliness, and anger. It’s a struggle raising 4 kids with a willing and helpful partner, let alone trying to accomplish the long list solo. The fear tells me I’m not enough for my fairies, that I’m not that great of a yoga teacher despite loving it, that I’m unworthy of the affection I seek, that I’ll never make all the crazy ideas in my head a reality and that I take on too much.

A year ago I spent the day sobbing, my partner at the time had conveniently picked my birthday to start a fight, this wasn’t unusual, and it lasted all day, it was a way to escape having to do anything nice for me and expertly throw it in my face. It was a way to drain and deplete me until I had no power left to argue or struggle, I went to bed without even eating dinner. I’ve been dreading tomorrow for a while now, it brings back so many memories of shitty birthdays past, and reminds me that I’m running out of time, it reminds me I’m alone.

Now for the rebuild, even though I’m rundown, I recognize the amazing people, opportunities, and gifts! I see how far I’ve come and what I’ve had to wade through to get here. To some people, it may seem like pure madness but there is always a method behind it, even if I can see every step, I feel protected and guided. In the past two months, so many things have changed and the future, while unknown, feels bigger and brighter than I could have ever dreamed of and I think, I feel, it only gets better from here.

The bad days happen, sometimes the fear gets out of the corner without asking, and sometimes life surprises you.