redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


Leave a comment

Plants and the seasons…

39190ff9cb5820a681abb92d2bf72d80

Have you ever been in a no man’s land? You weren’t angry or particularly unhappy but there was an insatiable craving for something other than what you had. Enough OFF to be unnerving, like somehow you weren’t doing what you were meant to be or living up to your potential or something. So, I’m there, but add some guilt, shame, and disappointment with my own expectations and impulsiveness and for someone who usually flies by the seat of her pants and doesn’t give two shits, this is uncomfortable. I’m fortunate enough to have an amazing network of friends, they’ve been kind enough to humor me and listen to my insane ramblings, the truth is that no one else can get me through this slump except for myself. It’s time to get off this loop, it’s time to stop doing the same old shit, it’s time to change.

 

Elizabeth Gilbert poignantly pointed out, ” I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting sick of their own bullshit.”

 

I spent all week cleaning house, rearranging furniture, purging, cleaning out closets, donating extra stuff and filling my home with even more plants. I cared for my garden, I slept in when I could and I probably drank way too much beer. I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel, I just want to let go of the blockages and find my place.

Advertisements


Leave a comment

Don’t Stop

2ca20e2f1bd5dea323f58f1d9ce321ee.jpg

I received my long awaited, new tarot cards in the mail today and it lit my heart on fire! Excited like a kid at Christmas I ripped the packaging open and thumbed through them! I pulled an 11 card cosmic draw and the last one hit me.

#11 Potential outcome- TRUST YOUR PATH (IF YOU KNEW YOU WOULD BE SUPPORTED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

No, I didn’t forget the caps were on, it’s just that important.

 

There is no wrong, there is no right. Did I have to experience death, pain, betrayal, abandonment, infidelity, abuse, loneliness, hurt, anger, stress?

YES

Lessons learned, tools garnished and a fresh path ahead.

Please don’t let fear stop you, please don’t lose your focus and please don’t ever stop wanting what you need or thinking you don’t deserve it. Strength and integrity is not housed in an Instagram feed, a hashtag, someone’s arms or in victimhood. It is forged in those small, consistent moments, often painful, often alone.


Leave a comment

All the feels

f5308c505a067d0581eec81cd929a2f6

I just took the big girls to see Wrinkle in Time and I cried like a baby through the whole thing! It’s coming up on a year, this time last year I was blissfully unaware that everything I knew and thought to be true was about to be shattered. I am so thankful it happened! So grateful that I’m free! I have never been alone for this long and I have never gotten to know myself until now! The faults that used to be thrown at me are now my lessons. I’ve learned to give myself the love and affection I craved and was withheld from me. I’ve created a home, rich with green plants, screaming giggly children, a rambunctious dog, and Queen size bed just for me. I have everything I used to beg for, dreamt for, and I manifested it with the help of some amazing angels and friends.

 

The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.- Buddha

I thrashed around in a wading pool, my toes have touched the floor and I’ve stood up. I’m ok, I survived the worst year of my life to date and despite a few crazy freakout moments here and there, I’m pretty positive the future is about to be better than anything I could have anticipated! Here, flaws and all. Loneliness, sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal, hurt, abandonment, deceit, all of these emotions that I don’t want to feel, but as soon as you acknowledge and let them wash over you they literally clean the wound and let the light in! In with the light and the love!


Leave a comment

Timing

7bcfb463779c4e41041db3aa8f182d4e

Timing is one of those things I’ve always been hyper-aware of. I’ve always rushed it too. If it wasn’t on my time then I didn’t want it or I allowed it to frustrate me to the point of exhaustion, I still catch myself there sometimes!

I saw a wreck the other day, everyone walked away, but I saw it happen, those split seconds before impact is torturous, hoping they can correct or fix their trajectory before the crash and being utterly hopeless in any of it. I’m sure many of my friends have felt this way while watching my life, I know I’ve felt this about observing others. Ultimately we survive, we may get banged up, bruised or worse but there is always something after, even in death.

I’m becoming so enthralled with finding happiness and joy that I’m attempting to allow the timing of that happiness become irrelevant. Feeling waves of bliss and gratitude allow bigger and more frequent waves of bliss and gratitude!Is this easy? Absolutely not! Totally worth it though! The emotions and stress have started to settle, yes I’ve done a lot of numbing but I’ve done even more feeling and healing! This time of year always brings up future, reflecting on what you’ve been through but more importantly what you’d like to manifest and create for the year to come.

Happiness, Joy, Abundance, Ease, Love, and Health!


Leave a comment

Let go

Drink up baby doll
Mmm are you in or out
Leave your things behind
‘Cause it’s all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy oh, writing a tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap when
You’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go
And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it give
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow
Such boundless pleasure
We’ve no time for later now
You can’t await your own arrival
You’ve twenty seconds to comply

so let go
And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

Mmm the breakdown
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
Hey, the breakdown
So amazing, yeah
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

 

This life is a rollercoaster, hang on, let go, push yourself out into uncharted territory and pull yourself back into comfort.

 

What happens when you find a soul who is a complete stranger yet comforts you: body, mind and soul? It’s so much more difficult to let go of, yet so much more necessary to.

6f75fefd95b802728265e21674e58b5e.jpg

I’m releasing you sir, you have and always will have my heart, but in the name of logic, I’m releasing you.

 

It’s funny but my thoughts are drawn to energy, as they would be, energy doesn’t die, or cease to exist, it just changes form. So as we inhale, exhale, hold and release, there energy is, there vibration is, there life is. Sometimes you learn what love is when you wound yourself a little, not intentionally, just a graze. It happens, we survive it somehow, it fucking hurts like hell though, 1733.


Leave a comment

Manifesting magic

7f6bfe64e619a20dc26852fe4c9ab444.jpg

It’s no secret that life has been challenging lately. Stressful, hard, and full of surprises yet somehow, life has also been amazing! Last week was a difficult and stressful week. I made it though, and I experienced a lot of joy. I was able to broaden out of the muck and allow myself to see the light, I sat in solitude, I meditated, I basked in some breathtaking sunrises and sunsets, I worked and I spent time with my fairies. I made it through another month, and not just made it, but I felt it, I lived it and I prospered through! I celebrated this home with beautiful people, I felt loved and felt free. The further I walk this journey the more gratitude I’m filled with. I’m so lucky to have experienced the pain that ignited this growth, it’s allowed me to see what I’m made of, it’s taught me boundaries and a depth of love for myself I never thought could exist!


Leave a comment

Clarity

I got some much needed clarity today, day two of lawn mowing and it was glorious! Thursday mornings are the one morning I wake up slowly, no kids, just me and Murray. I drank my coffee on the back porch and then went to work. I don’t know if it was the smell of freshly cut grass and ivy, the way the sun looked almost gold flashing off the green or the stillness, but it all hit me that I’m ok. I’m ok. More than ok I’m amazing! I feel light and open and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else! I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t ventured into victimhood territory, I’ve actually been there a lot lately but I’m attempting to get out and stay out.

Perspective is a funny thing, and when people take your words and flip their meanings it feels invasive, self centered and down right narcissistic. My past is that, my past. Once I cut someone out of my life, they stay there, OUT! No one got me to this place, I did, through trial, error, a lot of mistakes and a few happy accidents. I refuse to let anyone take credit for my work, my emotions, my words. Two things I esteem above all, honesty and integrity and if you lie to me, you’re done. If you neglect, withhold, and or try to shove your narcissist shit down my throat, you’ll never see or hear from me again.

 

I’m as transparent as they come and you’ll know exactly how I feel, I can’t hide it, good or bad. So if you’re sitting there wondering if this is about you, go throw some Carly Simon on and look in the mirror. None of this is about anyone one else other than me. If that makes me selfish then fine. This is my life, my space, my family and my blog, no one else gets to take credit or judge it. This is a space for me to express, freely, openly and completely unedited what I’m experiencing in the hopes that releasing it all will not only heal me, but allow others to heal as well. I’m not here to stroke egos, to be analyzed and or second guessed!

I’m so fortunate to have such an amazing framily and thank god, because when you can’t rely on your own mother and father to help you when you’re down, it gets lonely.

I’m going to end with gratitude because it’s the best way to start and to finish. I’m grateful for my gorgeous fairies, I’m grateful for my black and white puppy, I’m grateful for this beautiful house to raise them in, I’m grateful to do what I love, I’m grateful to be alive, I’m grateful for friends old and new, I’m grateful for a serendipitous meeting that filled my heart with more joy and happiness than I’ve felt in a long time, Arizona is too lucky to have you, I’m grateful for resilience and strength, it came to me by blood, ancestors long passed and those delightful whispers in my ear, I’m grateful for the tribe that helps keep me glued together, my girls, my acupuncturist, my yoga mat, and the guardians that probably have their heads in their hands 3/4 of the time, most of all for my heart, it hasn’t stopped beating and it continues to open, despite heart break, wider and deeper each time.