redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


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All the feels

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I just took the big girls to see Wrinkle in Time and I cried like a baby through the whole thing! It’s coming up on a year, this time last year I was blissfully unaware that everything I knew and thought to be true was about to be shattered. I am so thankful it happened! So grateful that I’m free! I have never been alone for this long and I have never gotten to know myself until now! The faults that used to be thrown at me are now my lessons. I’ve learned to give myself the love and affection I craved and was withheld from me. I’ve created a home, rich with green plants, screaming giggly children, a rambunctious dog, and Queen size bed just for me. I have everything I used to beg for, dreamt for, and I manifested it with the help of some amazing angels and friends.

 

The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.- Buddha

I thrashed around in a wading pool, my toes have touched the floor and I’ve stood up. I’m ok, I survived the worst year of my life to date and despite a few crazy freakout moments here and there, I’m pretty positive the future is about to be better than anything I could have anticipated! Here, flaws and all. Loneliness, sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal, hurt, abandonment, deceit, all of these emotions that I don’t want to feel, but as soon as you acknowledge and let them wash over you they literally clean the wound and let the light in! In with the light and the love!

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Shifting Gears

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Sometimes out of habit, force or pride, we continue doing things that just don’t serve us. Our intentions may be honorable and good but ultimately cause us lots of stress, anxiety, and pain. Guess what? We aren’t statues or trees, we can move, we can shift and we can reposition the loads we carry. Often that means releasing things, ideas, people and even places that don’t serve us. I can feel spring steadily on its way and my shedding process has begun, I’m clearing out and decluttering so I can be light, free and do the most good. This is a huge step for me, creating space for myself, without guilt and it feels absolutely amazing!


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No one is going to fucking save you

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Maybe I had a moment, or a few moments, tired as shit, washing dishes and cursing to myself about how I’m the only one who does the fucking dishes. I have these brief seconds of wishing, daydreaming, that some knight, tall and sexy, come up behind me, wraps his arms around me and slides a glass of wine in my hand and tells me to park my sexy ass on the couch so he can wash the dishes for me. Then I wake up to an alarm I’ve been hitting the snooze on for 10 minutes, screaming like a banshee for the midgets to get ready for school.

Moral of the story, there’s no knight and a constant sink full of dishes that are all my responsibility.  It’s the old story of wanting help but getting frustrated when they don’t do it right so you just do everything yourself. The fact is, it’s easier, saner and tidier to just do everything myself. I still don’t trust people not to butcher my heart, I still don’t trust my heart to pick the right ones, and I have no fucking clue how badly my being alone is fucking up my kids. I don’t think I’m Wonder Woman at all, but I do feel the weight, and it’s fucking heavy. I’m not complaining, I know this is just how things are, temporary as all of this is, and they will get better and they might get worse, but I’m trying to stay in the present moment. Aching for connection, touch, deep conversation and cuddles, but content to call the shots.

The resentment I used to feel when I had a partner unable to live up to what my crazy heart/brain wanted, needed, expected has all but fallen away. If something doesn’t get accomplished I know exactly who to blame! No one is coming to save me, I don’t need to be saved, nor do I want to be. I’m afraid of unleashing this weight on anyone, I’m afraid of what being myself will do to anyone, I’m impulsive, spontaneous, wild and loving, I need my freedom but desperately want someone man enough to walk by my side, to hold my hand, occasionally check me, but always love, support and lovingly shake their head at me. I don’t want to wait six months for love, no matter how perfect those two days were.  I have to suffer the consequences either way.

I’m taking this armor off because it’s heavy, My skin is thick, almost bulletproof at this point, true to my sign, I have a shield and a bow and arrow. I let all of this out not for pity, I have no use for that, not for attention, not for anything other than opening this scarred, bruised yet full heart just a little more. Nothing is perfect, the highlight reel we see or chose to project, there are screams, falls, face plants dodged bullets and scrapes. It’s human and it’s life.


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Amazonian

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From now on you’re going to hear my voice, not the voice of the person I think I should be, not the voice a mum is supposed to have, not the voice someone who wants a mate is supposed to have, but mine. She says “Fuck you” a lot, she does what she wants because her intuition is rarely wrong and she doesn’t give two shits what other people think or how they see her. I have had enough of playing small, I’ve had enough of being scared and I’ve had enough of trying to be what everyone else needs. I can tell other people how to be badasses all day long but when it comes to letting my warrior goddess out, I’ve become a chicken shit. I’ve let circumstances, mistakes and wrong turns get the best of me and pull me off balance, I’ve let other peoples irrational opinions of me become my truth and I’ve allowed people to take my magic.

It stops here, I get to rewrite, so here goes.

I’m an amazing mother who loves her kids more than life itself! Am I tough on them? Yes! Do I spoil them with material stuff? No! Do they know when they’ve made bad choices or fallen short of clearly communicated expectations? FUCK YES THEY DO! My job is not to look like the perfect mom or coddle them, my job is to love, nurture and prepare them for an extremely successful life without me!

I’m a good person, imperfect, raw, vulnerable and flawed, but still good! I don’t lie, cheat, or steal. I love too hard and sometimes too quickly, I’m loyal, kind and sometimes give too much and then feel resentful afterward. The problem with me is that I can tell when something is off when someone is being dishonest, and while I can’t read minds, I know enough to know when to walk away, I haven’t listened to that voice on three occasions and they all ended disastrously!

I’m strong, despite not having the family support system that most people have and even despite having that thrown in my face, I always seem to figure it out anyway. I’m fortunate enough to have a network of beautiful, wholehearted, caring people and it’s amazing! I’m strong because giving up or giving in just isn’t an option for me. I get deflated and exhausted as much as the next person but deep down, I’ve always felt lucky.  I’ve been hurt, pushed and harassed enough in the last year to cover me for the rest of my life, I’ve almost given up a few times too. The thing is when a good, loyal person is pushed to that point and they get up, you had better run. No more smallness, no more wishy-washy people pleasing and no, I don’t care what you think!


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I’m not sure why but I thought I’d be further along on this reconstruction than I am. That’s what this whole past year has been, demolition after demolition, breaking down thought processes, memories, beliefs, “truths”. So much growth, with so many balls in the air and so many people counting on me, has taken its toll and honestly, all I feel right now is exhaustion.

On my bad days, this has just been a tough week, I allow myself to focus on the stress, strain and the seemingly impossible task of being everything to my children, focusing on work and having a sliver left over for myself. On my bad days, I feel overwhelmed and I give in to fear, sadness, loneliness, and anger. It’s a struggle raising 4 kids with a willing and helpful partner, let alone trying to accomplish the long list solo. The fear tells me I’m not enough for my fairies, that I’m not that great of a yoga teacher despite loving it, that I’m unworthy of the affection I seek, that I’ll never make all the crazy ideas in my head a reality and that I take on too much.

A year ago I spent the day sobbing, my partner at the time had conveniently picked my birthday to start a fight, this wasn’t unusual, and it lasted all day, it was a way to escape having to do anything nice for me and expertly throw it in my face. It was a way to drain and deplete me until I had no power left to argue or struggle, I went to bed without even eating dinner. I’ve been dreading tomorrow for a while now, it brings back so many memories of shitty birthdays past, and reminds me that I’m running out of time, it reminds me I’m alone.

Now for the rebuild, even though I’m rundown, I recognize the amazing people, opportunities, and gifts! I see how far I’ve come and what I’ve had to wade through to get here. To some people, it may seem like pure madness but there is always a method behind it, even if I can see every step, I feel protected and guided. In the past two months, so many things have changed and the future, while unknown, feels bigger and brighter than I could have ever dreamed of and I think, I feel, it only gets better from here.

The bad days happen, sometimes the fear gets out of the corner without asking, and sometimes life surprises you.


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Drop it off

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Like shedding snake skin, these things that happen naturally are meant. The mindset that the things destined for us will find us and the things that are meant to be short pit stops are there only to teach us a lesson, once they’re learned we can get back on the road is comforting. As humans, we get caught up in knowing why, when and how things have happened, are and will happen. This is our nature, it isn’t good or bad, it just is, there is hope to break the chains of fear, lean in and tap into love.

Lately, it’s been challenging for me to release, to let things be as they are and to let go of the death grip of control. None of us is in control, we’re literally tiny specs on a spinning planet, that’s floating in a galaxy, among trillions of other planets, we aren’t that special. Yet we have such great potential to touch others, to create warmth, connection, a safe space and to become a catalyst of hope. When we go that broad and general, somehow it all feels easier, gentler, happier.

So when your life feels like it’s falling apart (I’m an expert in this) and you feel like you simply will not make it, remember that you always have, and that’s a pretty good sign that you always will. Lighten the load, take off what you’re unnecessarily carrying, shed the skin, give yourself a pep talk and go find the magic! (If all of that sounds crazy, close your eyes, think of what makes you happy, note I didn’t say who, and go do that!)


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Ick season and how Elderberry Syrup can help!

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I’m sure you’ve all seen me posting about elderberry syrup. I’m in love with the stuff, but it never really occurred to me that most people have no idea what it is, how to take it and why you would even want to. So here goes:

Elderberry syrup is packed with high levels of vitamin C (lowers blood pressure and boost immune system), vitamin A (healthy eyes, teeth, hair, and skin), bioflavonoids (help maximize vitamin C absorption) and antioxidants (supports immune, respiratory, and nervous system functions)!

Elderberry Syrup helps balance blood sugar levels!

Elderberry is a natural diuretic and laxative!

Elderberry helps to shorten the duration of a cold or the flu with its high levels of anthocyanidins (found in berries, this antioxidant helps keep the nervous system, blood vessels and eyesight healthy)!

Elderberry syrup contains high levels of anti-carcinogens!

My elderberry syrup also contains echinacea (anti-inflammatory, immune booster, respiratory system booster and powerful anti-viral and anti-bacterial properties), Ginger (immune booster, anti-inflammatory, and digestive health), and local honey (boosts immune system, anti-fungal, bacterial, and viral properties, anti-carcinogen, helps support proper gut health)

Basically, elderberry syrup is a magical witch’s brew that not only shortens any sickness but used daily will help prevent you from even getting sick. preventative maintenance in the form of an elevated kidney, immune, nervous system function, and anti-aging benefits sounds like my cup of tea….er syrup!

I take 1 tsp daily when well and 1 tbs up to 3 times a day when sick!

You can find yours here (please note I sell only local, my elderberry syrup is 100% organic and must be refrigerated):

https://redyogimom.com/the-apothecary/