redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


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The Connection vs Disconnection Debate

Remember that Epic sweeping declaration post from not too long ago? Yea, me either. But here’s the deal. We as humans are created to connect, we need interaction, our bodies actually secrete stress fighting hormones when we are connecting, so if that isn’t a clue that it’s important, I don’t know what is! Here’s the dilemma, when you’re a busy, single mum of 4, fighting two separate custody battles, a child support battle from the most recent ex (who also happens to live with his mother) and has a new puppy, there just isn’t time. Enter online dating. (lightning, thunder and metal trash cans falling over)

The premise, I suppose, is to allow busy people an opportunity to meet other busy folks like themselves without ever having to venture into a bar, restaurant, leave the couch or put on pants (more on this later)! Sounds great!

The Problem, not all people are well intentioned, not all people are honest, not all people are over their exes and not all people respect boundaries, or anything really! It’s easy to be sucked into this world of “connection” at our finger tips, pulled in by the guise of a compliment, and or intrigued enough to enter into these intimate conversations with someone who, for all you know could be a serial killer, Jabba the hut, or worse, living in their mothers guest room, oops, that’s another story too.

The Yoga, the zen buddhist philosophy of non attachment is a beautiful one, of allowing things to be as they are, to flow, to come to you effortlessly and leave you effortlessly, but the truth is, I haven’t quite learned how to apply that to love. I’m still learning to draw lines, I fear being too blunt and coming off as bitchy, yet get incredibly irritated when lines are breached.

The idea of closing myself off from feeling love, intimacy and physical connection doesn’t feel right to me. The idea of having to see one more unsolicited penis photo also makes me nauseous. Is there a middle ground of maintaining my freedom and life as I want it and also have a passionate, genuine connection with someone who is man enough to let me do it my way? The false sense of connection is literally soul sucking and as much as I love my girlfriends, there are just some things they can’t give me. I’m not a nun, nor have I ever claimed to be, mentioning that my children come first no matter what seems like an obvious point but I’m throwing it out there anyway, I also have never dated, I’ve gone from relationship to relationship my entire life and I don’t want more of that. So the only explanation that feels right to me, is to learn as I go. The quote (I’m probably butchering it)  “If it’s not a FUCK YES then it is a FUCK NO!” Is now my anthem. I’m intelligent, strong, resilient, well read and traveled, open, caring, kind and considering I’ve had 4 babies I think I’m doing ok in the looks department, the bottom line is I deserve exactly what I want without having to settle, we all do!

The amazing, ok, there has been a lot of gross and bad too, the “emergency text” I got just so I could leave because he kept talking about how he worked out all the time and was tired, the guy that actually asked me if I wanted to FaceTime just so I could see him finish, the countless photos of peoples kids on their profiles (dear god stop putting your kids up as bait), the shirtless selfies, the people with their tongues sticking out, or better yet the ones who actually can hold a conversation and seem to have their shit together and then vanish into the ether, there’s been lots of bad. The best interaction yet was with a British guy who was just in town for the weekend on some sort of soccer business and even though the conversation was incredibly brief he ended with “Love, you’re an incredible person, make sure you meet someone amazing and don’t settle for less!” So I’m taking his advice, not searching or grasping, just living my truth, everyday, even when it’s hard and most importantly not settling!

 

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Learning


Here’s my list, I’m giving myself a year, no dates, no sex, no partners, just my fairies, my girl tribe and becoming the most magnificent self possible! 

Art, I’m going to create again, whatever medium brings joy, maybe I’ll try them all, pottery, charcoal, oils, photography, and most importantly writing, I started my book today! 

Rock climbing, I keep saying I want to and haven’t yet so that changes 

Ballet, I miss it, I miss moving my body that way

Cooking, my knife skills are lacking and I need inspiration (ask my girls)

Meditation, my mind needs to sit

Gardening, I have a gigantic yard and a dream

Learning this city, I have lived here since ’98 and for some reason cling to my comfort zone, that stops, I want to explore the park and greenways, museums, restaurants and monuments 

I’m going back to school in the truest sense of the word, educating myself on life, how to love my self, how to travel with myself, how to navigate this world in the most authentic way possible! 


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False start

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I really thought I was healed up and ready to love again, I even found the perfect man. Kind, patient, handsome, told me I was gorgeous all the time, went above and beyond to help me and was truly someone I could see myself happy with for a long time. I will probably replay my decision a million times over in my head and while I don’t believe in regrets, it’s going to come the closest. The truth is, I’m not healed, I’m not ready and I ended it. It broke my heart, but I would have never known for sure if I was with him because I was lonely, if my attachment to him was so quick and deep because of him or because of my apparent need for connection and companionship. Since my very first boyfriend when I was 15, I haven’t been alone for very long, a few weeks at minimum, maybe a few months at most, and while in my worst relationships there have been long, dark periods of loneliness and estrangement, it’s not the same.

The business, constant motion and numbing have snuck back in! Too much beer, too many excuses, too many distractions. The energy right now is so hot and heavy and I feel suffocated. My practice has become almost non existent and the meditation that was helping me so much in this new transition isn’t being given the time it deserves.

My soul has been through so much and my body is feeling it. I’m exhausted and achy and not myself. I recognize it, I feel it, I see it, so let’s change it. I deleted that stupid dating app off my phone, the last straw was seeing my exes profile, he had our babies photos and their names and I felt sick to my stomach, it’s an epic waste of time and a needless distraction.

I’m going to take a break from drinking for a bit, just to get some clarity

I’m going to start practicing again

I’m going to love myself, take long baths, read, meditate, be still, be uncomfortable in the stillness if I have to be, but still, none the less

I’m going to be lonely, let myself cry, sob, feel so empty that it seems nothing can fill me up and that’s when the magic happens, that’s when the trip down the mountain happens.

I’m going to buy myself flowers and take myself out on dates again. This blog began that way and I miss it, me, unapologetically me.

I’m going to not give a fuck anymore

I’m going to try new things and see new places, my passports been expired for far too long

I’m going to grow and learn

 


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What I want now….

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I’m free, free from chains, free from abuse, free from cancer, free from marriage, free to love my girls, free from depression, free from oppression, free from guilt, free to be myself, unnapologetically!

These sweeping declarations come to me frequently these days and here they are:

I made a big mistake, I gave too much and I caused pain.

I will never regret anything in my life, it’s brought me here and made me who I am.

I will even sacrifice myself and my current happiness to ensure I become the best version of myself, only then will I be a worthy mum for my girls.

I have no desire to be told what to do, controlled, “taught”, or anything of the like, I set my own alarm, modify my own thermostat and leave my flood light on all the time.

I’m a whirlwind and love it, I don’t know how to be anything but!

I don’t take kindly to being ignored, when I ask for something I mean it, breathing room is a necessity right now, I need a bigger pot, more soil, my roots have ached to grow and so they will. My branches are expanding.

Stand back and watch.

 

 

 

 

 


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Paying Attention

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For the first time, in a long time, I’m paying attention to what’s going on. In my head, my heart and my soul. Sometimes the timing is off, or signs that once led you places quickly take you away and the listening to those signs is often heartbreaking. I’m learning to cherish the experiences as they happen, to allow them to slip through my fingers without grasping and above all to love freely. My freedom is the most important thing to me and having just been given the gift of it, I will never sign it over again. So, I continue trudging on, unpacking my life and growing my roots, loving my fairies hard in the process!


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I’ve landed

Loves I have landed! I had such a beautiful group of friends and family help me get here and a very special angel! My life is full and the future is bright! I’m standing in a puddle of boxes but I’m embracing the birth of this home and even the labor pains!