redyogimom

I am mine. Mine to enjoy, to learn, to be. I’m releasing the struggle to please, to cater to and sacrifice for. I’m leaning into the feelings and emotions and pain again. Open- handedly walking through this space, not grasping the good or pushing away the bad but allowing myself to feel it all. If you don’t allow yourself to feel the bad, you won’t ever fully feel the good. Still, not chasing. Present, not looking too far ahead. Finding joy in every moment possible. I feel supported and loved by my tribe.

I may have just witnessed something that cracked me! I’m celebrating my birthday this week and my favorite spot, Sunflour bakery, sent me a free pastry coupon! I happily accepted! While shoving my ginormous, flaky, powdered sugar covered confection in my mouth I was privy to something so sweet it almost brought me to tears. Mind you, being plastered with powdered sugar all over my face was probably enough to embarrass me, I didn’t want to break down too, but I almost did!

A woman, clearly out of her mind intoxicated, sat, well hunched, actually it was more of a hunch and occasional bob, girlfriend was feeling good, trying to eat lunch. Her partner, attentively trying to keep her from falling over or spilling water all over herself just looked at her adoringly. This is completely foreign to me, it was almost as if I was in one of those movies, what was that Brendan Frazier movie where he grew up in an underground bunker and didn’t understand sarcasm?! I felt like that, and the joke was on me! She wasn’t consumed with guilt for her condition or behavior, she just was, being present, in the moment, shitfaced at 2:30 in the afternoon, eating a sandwich. And he, wasn’t judging her, wasn’t being mean or embarrassed, he just was, being present, in the moment, watching his person trying to drunkenly eat her sandwich. When the sandwiches were eaten, they got up, did a little dance together, she even fixed his coat, then they waltzed out hand in hand, smiling at each other.

Now I’m not saying I want to be shitfaced at 2:30 shoving a sandwich in my mouth while my partner looks at me, I am saying my heart fluttered at the possibility that anyone could love me that unconditionally, or be willing to be that present with me!

Maybe it’s the moon, the homemade pizza, beers, or time with all my little women but this month, day even hour seems raw to me. So beautiful, haunting and stirring all at the same time! I shed tears over making pizza and laughed when Sam made a huge mess, giggling while stuffing her face full of sauce and cheese. Here’s the deal, I’m tired, lonely, and incredibly sad! I have hope but that beautiful, manly hope is two hours away and brand new!

Why am I manifesting perfect men that are not here?! They each get better and closer but not here?! So the question I’m asking myself, am I honoring my need for space?! Or am I feeding my unworthiness vice?! And how the fuck do I know the difference between the two?

I fell hard after my split only to be cheated on and lied to by another, then was swept off my feet by a handsome stranger in passing, and now, my heart has been captivated and pulled completely, but there’s distance still. The moon is bewitching tonight, so I sit, on my porch, drinking my beer with Buddha and listen to the nights secrets. I’m no closer to figuring out what I’m doing but at least there has come a gentle ease, a releasing of fear. This life, these experiences are exactly what we need, dare say, what we created. Not convenient, not easy, but still blisteringly divine!

I’m not even sure how to start or finish this and maybe that’s telling, but here it is. I am no stranger to abuse: neglect, abandonment, rape, loss, pain and trouble. I honestly don’t think anyone is. The problem is these words are too familiar, I’m sure they get their fair share of throwing around, but I’m even more sure they get their fair share of silence. I have never considered myself the silent, meek type by any stretch, and now that I’m raising four women you better be damned sure I’m outspoken about this,  but when my former employer grabbed my ass and thrust himself into my back, all in the name of honoring “the culture” of yoga, I about lost my shit. I’ve practiced yoga for 20, TWENTY, years, and taught it for almost 10, that happened to me in my SACRED space, on my mat. To add insult to injury I was fired for standing up, calling him out on his shit and drawing a line.

The problem is, that when it happened, I WAS silent. I immediately texted my partner of 5 years, and no surprise he wasn’t riled enough to come to my aid, my co workers were helpful but nothing happened, NOTHING HAPPENED TO HIM. There wasn’t a black hole to eat him up, he wasn’t arrested, he wasn’t even charged. NOTHING HAPPENED. Meanwhile in the months that followed, I watch my entire life implode, my career, my self worth, my life’s work, my marriage, my relationship to everything I had built and known, up to that point, no longer existed. Forget the fact that I was already a mother of 4, my youngest was only 4 months old, and I was suffering cruelly from postpartum  depression, perhaps I was an easy target. When he grabbed me, he awoke a beast, a goddess, akin to Kali, he crossed a line and that line, no matter how tired, depressed and exhausted I am, will be defended to the end. He’s no different though, Weinstein, Trump, insert any and every douche bag narcissist you’ve ever encountered in your life, they are all the same. They have different names, but are no different.

I have to tell you I’m tired of hearing “ME TOO”, the more appropriate thing to say is “who hasn’t” and that’s sad. We are giving up on our friends, we are giving up on our women, and we are giving up on raising our boys into real men, men that acknowledge vulnerability and honesty and realness as attributes.

So enough of the “me too” and enough of the ” who hasn’t”!!!

HOW THE FUCK DO WE FIX THIS?

I’m going to tell you how, by not being silent. By being brave, by saying no, by not sweeping it under the rug and by not allowing “locker room talk”! We raise our women strong, knowing how awesome and beautiful and worthy they are, and raising our men to also be kind and compassionate and vulnerable and by being honest ourselves! That’s how change happens. You stop allowing the things that start the landslide, it’s steep and fast and it takes your soul with it!