redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love


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Let go

Drink up baby doll
Mmm are you in or out
Leave your things behind
‘Cause it’s all going off without you
Excuse me, too busy oh, writing a tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap when
You’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go
And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it give
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow
Such boundless pleasure
We’ve no time for later now
You can’t await your own arrival
You’ve twenty seconds to comply

so let go
And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

And jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) yeah let go
And just get in
Oh it’s so amazing here
It’s all right
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

Mmm the breakdown
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
Hey, the breakdown
So amazing, yeah
‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

 

This life is a rollercoaster, hang on, let go, push yourself out into uncharted territory and pull yourself back into comfort.

 

What happens when you find a soul who is a complete stranger yet comforts you: body, mind and soul? It’s so much more difficult to let go of, yet so much more necessary to.

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I’m releasing you sir, you have and always will have my heart, but in the name of logic, I’m releasing you.

 

It’s funny but my thoughts are drawn to energy, as they would be, energy doesn’t die, or cease to exist, it just changes form. So as we inhale, exhale, hold and release, there energy is, there vibration is, there life is. Sometimes you learn what love is when you wound yourself a little, not intentionally, just a graze. It happens, we survive it somehow, it fucking hurts like hell though, 1733.


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Hope

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They say that when you’re happy you only hear the music and when you’re sad you hear the lyrics. What does it mean when you hear both?

That’s my life! Helpless romantic, stark realist and where do the two meet? Every second of every day and in my dreams. I create vivid worlds in my heart and mind and despite the difficulties I expect them to exist in the same plane! Tangible and emoted all at once, do you not want this too? A shakespeare play, within a mind fuck and an action thriller all at once? Romeo and Juliette meets inception meets Blade runner. I’ve written about discounting the fairy tales and while in the moment I agreed because I lost hope, but it’s been re-ignited. My fire isn’t bad, it isn’t something to be ashamed of and I deserve it, I want it. I want passion, sustainability and love, all at once and forever. Give me that or give me nothing and be sure you can give me that! I’m gaining the confidence needed to deny those temporary pleasures and the strength to hold out for the long term, I deserve it but more importantly my girls do!

Stability and assurance don’t come easily with romanticism, so does that have to die for me?

Do I teach my girls to follow their hearts or do I teach them to follow their minds? Or do I dare be brave enough to teach them BOTH!?


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Manifesting magic

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It’s no secret that life has been challenging lately. Stressful, hard, and full of surprises yet somehow, life has also been amazing! Last week was a difficult and stressful week. I made it though, and I experienced a lot of joy. I was able to broaden out of the muck and allow myself to see the light, I sat in solitude, I meditated, I basked in some breathtaking sunrises and sunsets, I worked and I spent time with my fairies. I made it through another month, and not just made it, but I felt it, I lived it and I prospered through! I celebrated this home with beautiful people, I felt loved and felt free. The further I walk this journey the more gratitude I’m filled with. I’m so lucky to have experienced the pain that ignited this growth, it’s allowed me to see what I’m made of, it’s taught me boundaries and a depth of love for myself I never thought could exist!


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Clarity

I got some much needed clarity today, day two of lawn mowing and it was glorious! Thursday mornings are the one morning I wake up slowly, no kids, just me and Murray. I drank my coffee on the back porch and then went to work. I don’t know if it was the smell of freshly cut grass and ivy, the way the sun looked almost gold flashing off the green or the stillness, but it all hit me that I’m ok. I’m ok. More than ok I’m amazing! I feel light and open and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else! I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t ventured into victimhood territory, I’ve actually been there a lot lately but I’m attempting to get out and stay out.

Perspective is a funny thing, and when people take your words and flip their meanings it feels invasive, self centered and down right narcissistic. My past is that, my past. Once I cut someone out of my life, they stay there, OUT! No one got me to this place, I did, through trial, error, a lot of mistakes and a few happy accidents. I refuse to let anyone take credit for my work, my emotions, my words. Two things I esteem above all, honesty and integrity and if you lie to me, you’re done. If you neglect, withhold, and or try to shove your narcissist shit down my throat, you’ll never see or hear from me again.

 

I’m as transparent as they come and you’ll know exactly how I feel, I can’t hide it, good or bad. So if you’re sitting there wondering if this is about you, go throw some Carly Simon on and look in the mirror. None of this is about anyone one else other than me. If that makes me selfish then fine. This is my life, my space, my family and my blog, no one else gets to take credit or judge it. This is a space for me to express, freely, openly and completely unedited what I’m experiencing in the hopes that releasing it all will not only heal me, but allow others to heal as well. I’m not here to stroke egos, to be analyzed and or second guessed!

I’m so fortunate to have such an amazing framily and thank god, because when you can’t rely on your own mother and father to help you when you’re down, it gets lonely.

I’m going to end with gratitude because it’s the best way to start and to finish. I’m grateful for my gorgeous fairies, I’m grateful for my black and white puppy, I’m grateful for this beautiful house to raise them in, I’m grateful to do what I love, I’m grateful to be alive, I’m grateful for friends old and new, I’m grateful for a serendipitous meeting that filled my heart with more joy and happiness than I’ve felt in a long time, Arizona is too lucky to have you, I’m grateful for resilience and strength, it came to me by blood, ancestors long passed and those delightful whispers in my ear, I’m grateful for the tribe that helps keep me glued together, my girls, my acupuncturist, my yoga mat, and the guardians that probably have their heads in their hands 3/4 of the time, most of all for my heart, it hasn’t stopped beating and it continues to open, despite heart break, wider and deeper each time.


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Synchronicity

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This week alone proved to be full of beautiful quirks, twist and turns and all I have to explain it is synchronicity! Deja vu is something I’ve always experienced, but lately it’s on hyper drive. I’m beginning to remember things long forgotten and my dreams, though non existent in the past few months, have come back in full force and wildly vivid!

 

As amazing as recent events have been, they’ve been ridiculously strange, laughable and they’ve raised lots of questions. Why now? Why dangle perfection in front of me and then whisk them away? Why? I’m asking and marinating and meditating on all of these. First and foremost though, I’m reveling in the sense of belonging in my own skin, being on my path and learning along the way. I’m putting my seat belt on because somehow this feels like it’s going to be one incredibly fun ride!


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Gaining immeasurable steps of independence 

The task of furnishing and putting together said furniture is usually monumental, even more so after nasty break ups and dividing up possessions is over. I’ve spent my fair share of time hunting on offer up and marketplace to fill my home on my budget which is almost non existent. With each piece of furniture put together and each box that gets taken to the curb after being unpacked, I’m getting stronger, lighter and more open! I’m claiming the independence I’ve always craved and feeding my soul at the same time! I never knew I was capable of doing it all on my own, I always knew I wanted to, I just don’t think most people work that way. They want to be needed more than they want to be wanted. I don’t ever want to allow myself to need a person again. I can spend time, enjoy company and even allow myself to love someone again, but I refuse to submit, hand over or cut off my ability to come and go freely. I actually really love the idea of having one person who I can do that with, live separately and function as two independently moving wheels that come together when they want to but aren’t tied down or controlled! So, like this bookcase, I’m putting myself together one piece at a time, slowly and carefully with out force (ok maybe not like this bookcase)!


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Today and learning how to take it one day and emotion at a time…

Today was a good day, despite frantically getting four girls under 10 ready for school on time, dropping the babies off and heading into the office and clients respectively, in the rain, it was a very good day! But somehow, after my last client and on the way to sit in the car pool line, the tears flowed and wouldn’t stop. I tried. But like a levy, it broke.

I oscillate between being a fiery bad ass that doesn’t want to feel, that doesn’t want to hurt anymore, because it’s all too much, that can handle it all on her own, without help and without anyone to muddle and mess things up and a woman who wants a man to take care of her. I have to be solo, strong, unrelenting and hard but the truth is, I ache to be soft. There are times I wish someone would come and hold me. I want a partner to walk through this life with, enjoying, learning, sharing. What makes me less worthy of that than anyone else? I know I’m not special, so why can’t I have that partnership? Why can’t I have love and why do my girls have to suffer with me? Yes, they have fathers, but I want to show them what a healthy, happy, loving relationship is and I haven’t gotten it right yet, in fact, I haven’t gotten much right yet. I have felt my way through life and don’t plan on changing that bit, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I don’t have answers and I don’t have plans, I have tasked myself with mere survival at this point and that is difficult enough.

I feel a pull, there is a line tethered to my heart and to someone else at the other end, it’s a long, winding, knotted and frayed line, but it’s there and I feel it. I can feel my heart calling out for them and even though I thought I found them a few times and even though those experiences have all ended poorly, they’ve somehow gotten me closer. The failed attempts have given me my greatest gifts, those bright, beautiful fairies I’m lucky enough to call mine.

So, dear heart, as wholehearted as you are and as wholehearted as I am, I’m still sending out this beacon, a light, a hope and wish, I’m here and ready for you!


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I’m falling in love…

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I’m falling in love with freedom, my own self and my untethered future.

With the moments of stolen silence, even if in the car, 2 seconds on the porch by myself, or those moments in the morning before my feet hit the floor.

I’m falling in love with my bravery (stupidity), as I navigate putting myself out there.

I’m falling in love, ever so slightly with each person who bares a tiny piece of their soul to me, even if it’s short lived and quickly covered up.

I’m falling in love with saying no or steering away from things not meant for me.

I’m falling in love with chance encounters and conversations.

I’m falling in love with that ever present feeling my soul partner is on his way to me.

I’m falling in love with idea of having fun instead of settling down.

I’m falling in love with my flaws and quirks, knowing they make me, me. human, loved and authentic!

I’m falling in love with this journey, eyes wide open and fingers spread wide!