Today was a good day, despite frantically getting four girls under 10 ready for school on time, dropping the babies off and heading into the office and clients respectively, in the rain, it was a very good day! But somehow, after my last client and on the way to sit in the car pool line, the tears flowed and wouldn’t stop. I tried. But like a levy, it broke.
I oscillate between being a fiery bad ass that doesn’t want to feel, that doesn’t want to hurt anymore, because it’s all too much, that can handle it all on her own, without help and without anyone to muddle and mess things up and a woman who wants a man to take care of her. I have to be solo, strong, unrelenting and hard but the truth is, I ache to be soft. There are times I wish someone would come and hold me. I want a partner to walk through this life with, enjoying, learning, sharing. What makes me less worthy of that than anyone else? I know I’m not special, so why can’t I have that partnership? Why can’t I have love and why do my girls have to suffer with me? Yes, they have fathers, but I want to show them what a healthy, happy, loving relationship is and I haven’t gotten it right yet, in fact, I haven’t gotten much right yet. I have felt my way through life and don’t plan on changing that bit, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I don’t have answers and I don’t have plans, I have tasked myself with mere survival at this point and that is difficult enough.
I feel a pull, there is a line tethered to my heart and to someone else at the other end, it’s a long, winding, knotted and frayed line, but it’s there and I feel it. I can feel my heart calling out for them and even though I thought I found them a few times and even though those experiences have all ended poorly, they’ve somehow gotten me closer. The failed attempts have given me my greatest gifts, those bright, beautiful fairies I’m lucky enough to call mine.
So, dear heart, as wholehearted as you are and as wholehearted as I am, I’m still sending out this beacon, a light, a hope and wish, I’m here and ready for you!