I got some much needed clarity today, day two of lawn mowing and it was glorious! Thursday mornings are the one morning I wake up slowly, no kids, just me and Murray. I drank my coffee on the back porch and then went to work. I don’t know if it was the smell of freshly cut grass and ivy, the way the sun looked almost gold flashing off the green or the stillness, but it all hit me that I’m ok. I’m ok. More than ok I’m amazing! I feel light and open and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else! I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t ventured into victimhood territory, I’ve actually been there a lot lately but I’m attempting to get out and stay out.
Perspective is a funny thing, and when people take your words and flip their meanings it feels invasive, self centered and down right narcissistic. My past is that, my past. Once I cut someone out of my life, they stay there, OUT! No one got me to this place, I did, through trial, error, a lot of mistakes and a few happy accidents. I refuse to let anyone take credit for my work, my emotions, my words. Two things I esteem above all, honesty and integrity and if you lie to me, you’re done. If you neglect, withhold, and or try to shove your narcissist shit down my throat, you’ll never see or hear from me again.
I’m as transparent as they come and you’ll know exactly how I feel, I can’t hide it, good or bad. So if you’re sitting there wondering if this is about you, go throw some Carly Simon on and look in the mirror. None of this is about anyone one else other than me. If that makes me selfish then fine. This is my life, my space, my family and my blog, no one else gets to take credit or judge it. This is a space for me to express, freely, openly and completely unedited what I’m experiencing in the hopes that releasing it all will not only heal me, but allow others to heal as well. I’m not here to stroke egos, to be analyzed and or second guessed!
I’m so fortunate to have such an amazing framily and thank god, because when you can’t rely on your own mother and father to help you when you’re down, it gets lonely.
I’m going to end with gratitude because it’s the best way to start and to finish. I’m grateful for my gorgeous fairies, I’m grateful for my black and white puppy, I’m grateful for this beautiful house to raise them in, I’m grateful to do what I love, I’m grateful to be alive, I’m grateful for friends old and new, I’m grateful for a serendipitous meeting that filled my heart with more joy and happiness than I’ve felt in a long time, Arizona is too lucky to have you, I’m grateful for resilience and strength, it came to me by blood, ancestors long passed and those delightful whispers in my ear, I’m grateful for the tribe that helps keep me glued together, my girls, my acupuncturist, my yoga mat, and the guardians that probably have their heads in their hands 3/4 of the time, most of all for my heart, it hasn’t stopped beating and it continues to open, despite heart break, wider and deeper each time.