redyogimom

This house and especially this garden are coming to an end. It’s fitting that the last few months here have been mine and my girls! I struggled with what to do with the garden when it become mine to tend, it was never completely mine and I had little to do with its planning.

I remember having a conversation with a girlfriend, who also happens to be an amazing gardener, and her words hit me! “Let it die”, she said, ” or better yet, pull that shit up and plant yourself some pretty flowers!” Then she brought me some gorgeous Zinnias, and I did just that, pulled up what was left, shriveled and unloved, and planted things that would bloom, my things, my blooms. I’ve spent a lot of time, tending to, photographing and writing about this space, these plants, and while I’m happy I did, I get to move. I get to leave the dirt healthier and more vibrant than when I found it, but I’ll leave it bare. It’s part of wiping the slate clean, for myself, more than the next stewards.

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted the fairy tale, insert handsome prince galloping towards me on his steed, saving the day, making me swoon and riding off into the sunset together (and my wagon full of kiddos and pups). I’m slowly allowing myself to wake up from that dream, it’s not going to happen. Instead I feel like I’m somewhere in the midst of dying from my battle wounds and or healing myself and driving the wagon myself. For the record I’m leaning strongly towards the later but this shit is exhausting and hard. I’m tired of going to battle everyday and am desperately wanting to keep my heart open but the armor is threatening bitterness and walls. So here it is.

I can save myself and don’t need a knight

I don’t want to be stifled or confined

My girls don’t need another father or anyone that could hurt them any more than they’ve been damaged, I will not let anyone else close to them and will fiercely protect the sacredness of our home.

I don’t want to settle for a life I don’t 100% love

I do crave affection, connection and the sense of being appreciated by someone, though if I’m honest with myself, I’ve never experienced that before.

I need stillness, The home that came to me is the beginning of stability, roots and groundedness and it is sacred

I need rest, sleep is eluding me and the sleep I do get isn’t restful

Now that the fairytale is dead, I have freedom, freedom to love my girls, be myself, live MY life and love on my terms

attachment, abandonment, loss, heartbreak, loneliness, foreign territory.

Forgive me for stream of consciousness, it’s all you’ll get tonight. These words just couldn’t be stopped, trust me, I tried.

I’m alone, not lonely. I ache for someone to pour myself into, but crave and enjoy my new found freedom. I need support, but only on my terms. “selfish bitch” is my new nickname and I quite like it. No I will not be controlled, I wasn’t made with a remote. I’m here, unapologetically here, not to stir things up or rattle your cage, just here. If you get offended love, I promise you that’s all yours. You see, I’m a mirror, I always have been and always will. If you get annoyed, angry, frustrated or scared, it’s your reflection. I’m a full vessel of love, empathy, understanding, contrary and heaven. I will love you more than any woman ever has or will but the difference now is that I can tell if you’re worthy of it. I’ve been burned, raped, humiliated and tortured enough, I don’t crave attention, I don’t crave desire, I crave honesty, vulnerability and presence. Be here now or go home. Do not paint pictures of a future you don’t have the balls to share with me, do not tell me lies, and most certainly do not show me a man you hope to be. I cash checks instantly, if you don’t have what it takes, you’re better off with mama. I’m a warrior, I’m a woman but my most brilliant magic is that of mother. Once that was my name, nothing or no-one was able to change that pecking order, you came closest, I’ll give you that, but you failed.

Goddess, Kali, Fire and beauty. I will rebuild, quicker and more magnificent than you could have ever imagined, the booms and sparks heard tonight were merely my notice of entry. These moments, past, present and future are so interconnected, so intertwined. Don’t mistake my tears as weakness and don’t you dare think you’ve disabled me. The pain you caused me was simply a wound, a wound that opened my strength, a wound that woke me and not a wound that will define me. Soon you will be just another healed, unnoticeable scar on my body, I have many. You poked a sleeping bear, the wrong one. watch me rise, watch me soar and shield your eyes because my light is blinding!

Brene may very well be my spirit animal, that magical creature I hope to become one day, she’s guiding me through this process with her work and I’m eternally grateful. Some things need to said, some shame needs to come out into the light, I’m tired of having events held over my head and used to punish and scare me.

I have a temper, I have a constant battle with expressing anger in a constructive, healthy way. I’ve read that anger is sad’s bodyguard, and if that’s the case I must have a lot of sad. I love that if you follow law of attraction, you know emotions are our compass, healthy good emotions tend to show us we’re on the right path but frustration, anger, jealousy etc  tend to teach us there’s something that needs to shift.

I yelled at my kid, I lost my temper, had a terrible parent moment and I yelled at my kid. I’m not proud, I probably said some horrific things too, but I’ve talked to her, apologized to her, and asked for forgiveness. I struggle every day with diffusing extremely strong emotions within me while feeling other peoples emotions too (I’m clairsentient). The turning point here is, I’m human, I make mistakes- ALL THE TIME- and I admit to it, learn from it, apologize and then try to correct the behavior. The level of deception, betrayal and unimaginable duplicity is rank. I was recorded, instead of recognizing that his partner was stressed, overwhelmed, needed help, He pressed record instead of acting to help. I could try to down play my actions or share the debilitating postpartum depression, trauma from my job, stress of having 3 other children and a household to run, but trying to justify bad behavior doesn’t change anything. I’m human, that’s why it happened, I’m flawed and imperfect but I am honest. What you see is what you get and the idea of posing as a loving partner and all the while plotting to cut down the one I “love” blows my mind.

I’m not an unfit mother as some people are going to extraordinary lengths to prove, I’m loving, kind, honest and generous with my time and energy. I love my children to the moon and back and will do anything to make sure they are healthy and safe. Do they always like me, no, I don’t let them do whatever they want, there are consequences to actions and sometimes stuff gets taken away. Does that make me a bad mom? I actually think quite the opposite. I’m raising four strong willed goddesses and sometimes that means clashes, differences of opinion, but after some chill out time it’s always put to right!

My motives in being so open and transparent with what I’m going through is to lighten this heavy burden, it’s impossible to carry so I’m setting it down, unpacking and chosing what to take and what to leave. Maybe by sharing my journey I can help others going through this feel like they have an ally, some company on the journey. We’re all going through stuff, it’s relative and not better or worse, these life lessons aren’t always easy or fun but they are most certainly worth it.

I’m polishing off a pint of chocolate ice cream, reviewing the last two months, gearing up for the next month ahead and still feeling very wounded. I feel stronger, my tribe has come to my aid so generously and the chips are starting to fall. I know I will pull through and be amazing but I still have so many questions. If I start to think too much about what’s to come or all the things I have to accomplish to get there it gets hard to breathe, if I think about the long road that got me here, my eyes well up and that river of tears comes, it feels like it won’t ever stop. My heart hurts more everyday and I keep ripping off that bandaid,  want it nice and healed before I let it scab over. I hate appearing weak more than anything and I’m allowing myself to look at what I went through as nothing more than self sacrificing love. I let someone break my heart everyday for as long as I can remember, it takes a lot of strength to show up to be slaughtered, day after day. A lot of stupidity too, but mostly strength, and while I have my beautiful girls to show for it, there are a lot of things I will do differently in the future.

I’ll be in the present moment

I will listen to someones actions instead of their words, no matter how sweet

I will listen to my own intuition, if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t

I will honor the signs my body sends me (lungs carry grief, the asthma symptoms have mysteriously vanished)

First and foremost, I will put my kids first, the only guilt I carry is that I tried to put my partner first, I wanted to make him happy first, I wanted to spend my moments with him first and thankfully that is over.

I will remind myself of my strength, compassion, kindness and empathy and I won’t question or belittle my gifts. I am a powerful healer and a force to be reckoned with, no one and nothing will diminish that power or the acknowledgement of my power again!

The babies have been with their dad for the past few days so the big girls and I needed to get out of the house! Romare Bearden park is so beautiful, we walked around downtown and even saw a tomato plant growing through a crack in the side walk! Go nature! Murray is one tired puppy right though!

I could tell you stories, painful, heartbreaking, terrible stories, and I have. But it stops here. My heart bleeds a little more every time I do. Once there was a girl who loved a boy, and he loved her, they were blissfully happy for a time and sooner or later stopped bringing out the best in each other and started bringing out the worst. So they stopped. They resolved to be civil for the kids, end of story.

Ok, that’s the last chapter. I’ve face planted, cried, screamed, stomped my feet and now I get to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward.

What do I want though? There is so much healing that needs to take place for my girls and myself. Forgiveness, love and acceptance of how things are. Rearranging and shuffling, who goes where and when. I’m now in a place of complete freedom but still stunned, like a fish that just got hit by a jellyfish sting, I’m still alive and my brain works but I’m waiting to get feeling back in my body before I can actually do anything. Law of attraction is my go to and now that I know what doesn’t serve me I can more clearly see the things that do.

My girls come first, they are at delicate stages and very raw, I am privileged enough to guide them through this, I’m not here to shelter them, I’m here to hold safe space for them so they can feel the emotions, the emotions come whether you want them to or not, I don’t want them to suppress like I did as a child, I want them to feel so they know how to dig themselves out.

My friends, I became so isolated from my friends, I don’t know if it was shame or guilt or the fact that my relationship took every ounce of energy I had to give. What I’ve found is that despite the long absence, my friends or framily as I lovingly call them, have rallied without questions. I’ve received cards, flowers, ears that listen, shoulders that support and the types of bear hugs that seem to put life back together. I am blessed!

My job, I am so fortunate to do what I love and while I’m contemplating some part time bartending the idea of staying fast and true to my heart is pulling me hard. My reiki practice, massage and yoga trainings fill my cup and I feel like I’m actually fulfilling my life’s purpose. I have a larger dream that involves becoming an herbalist, homesteader and bee keeper. I was so lucky to receive a scholarship to Wild Herb Weekend in July and truly feel this deepening of the roots of my passion. The dream I had of sharing a farm and homestead  doesn’t have to die, it may need to change form and location slightly but that’s more reconstructive surgery as opposed to death.

Finally, Love. The end of my relationship was not a loving one, it was not fulfilling in so many ways, despite my (and to be fair, his) best efforts for it to be. I’m a person who loves deeply but when I feel neglected I can turn resentful quickly. I give love freely but also notice when it isn’t reciprocated. I’m difficult to love in that I have so many emotions and thoughts and energies flying around, if you’re not patient and open you’ll become exhausted. I have a temper, I say whatever comes into my mind and rarely try to edit it. I’m impulsive and often long to be somewhere else. All of these to a fault, but I’m loyal, honest, trustworthy and I’ll let my love kill me, I’ll dig in and weather any storm, I’ll give you my power, my heart, my strength and my last breath. I don’t know how to give up, maybe it’s stubbornness, to me, it’s love. This usually drives my partner mad, causes them to hurt me in such a way that I have no choice but to let them go. I recognize this as a learning experience, no matter how life altering. Moving forward I won’t give away my power, in this next phase of healing and solitude I get to cultivate healthy boundaries that protect my girls and myself. I get to listen to my intuition and vow to honor it, no matter what. I promise to speak my truth instead of being quiet, fear and indifference will kill any relationship. Most importantly I’ll continue to love wth all my heart, life is too short not to.

It’s difficult to put into words the emotions, thoughts, fears, joys, worries, memories and hopes that have come up for me these last few weeks. Perhaps they need to marinate a bit longer, and so I’ll leave them. I’ve taken over the stewardship of this small piece of land, the garden, the home, the chickens and most importantly the beautiful fairies that reside here. I get to keep them safe, nurture them and allow them all to grow as we experience this life together! So many beautiful things on the horizon, and while the material and emotional purge continues, at least we have that bright light!

These lovelies frame the porch.

and the newly planted white sage edges the small raised bed, joining the lavender. The lemongrass won a spot on the side of the house!

There’s this idea that being flawed is weak, that being a mess is not ok, I have learned this and exercised it my whole life. I learned that I was only lovable if I was helpful, made others happy and sacrificed everything. I never learned that I am worthy just because I am. Shame, guilt, fear, anger, resentment and sadness are the predominant emotions in my life. The amazing thing about these lives we lead is that they are changeable. It’s both devastating and blessed that things can be altered in the blink of an eye.

OK, I’m on a Brene kick lately, I’m in the midst of Daring Greatly, The fact of the matter is that I’m lost. I’m learning to love myself, trust myself and create boundaries that allow me to be compassionate and generous. Sometimes I’m dishonest with myself and think that I already have the things but I don’t. I know the talk, the words but I haven’t yet learned how to practice it. I’ve become extraordinarily good at numbing, my kitchen counter is spotless, the dog hair is swept off the floor, my kids don’t have skinned knees and all the laundry is washed and dried, so why the hell don’t I feel loved? The resentment and fear I’ve been holding onto lately is suffocating me and I’m just not quite sure how to handle all of this. I’m tired of blaming my unlovableness on hormones, a tumultuous childhood, abuse, betrayal, or any other situation or circumstance. The thing is I have no idea how to learn the things I know will heal these wounds and not knowing how to do something is driving me nuts. I’m a healer, and what I’ve learned is that no crystal, yoga pose, mantra, reiki or acupuncture session can heal this, there is no magic pill or button to fast forward you out of the pain and teleport you to the paradise on the other end. It’s not a destination but truly a journey where the learning is the reward not the pot of gold at the end. I’ve been watching TED talks like it’s my job lately and this one hit me particularly:

https://youtu.be/ewngFnXcqao

Trust is not built in these grand gestures or moments, but in the small, seemingly insignificant tokens. I get to learn how to fill my own marble jar, to feel vulnerable, to be afraid, but I also get to show up, let go of the stories and stop numbing so I can grow!

So, here I am, I’m flawed, I’m scared, I’m lonely and in pain, I’m not very good at forgiveness but I’m practicing it everyday, I feel weak when I ask for help, I don’t know how to love or trust myself, I care too much about what others think and I measure my worth by my Facebook/ instagram likes, how much I got done that day or how often someone hugs me and tells me I’m beautiful, I don’t think I deserve happiness and I don’t know how to be an adult or have an adult relationship, I have 4 girls and I’m petrified that they will end up like me.

What I do know is that putting our fears out there kills shame, so here it all is. I’m flawed and I’m releasing the shame, I’m working on learning these life skills so I can be a better mum and person. I’m releasing the fear of not being good enough for someone and learning that the only someone that I need to be happy is me. I’m recognizing my gifts and attributes and vow to nurture them. I will say no more often, I will find joy in the ordinary, small things as that’s where it’s found, and I will be grateful for everything as it’s all a lesson!

Sometimes there just aren’t words ready to make their way out of your head yet and for those days there are pictures! Here are the goobers at the park!