I could tell you stories, painful, heartbreaking, terrible stories, and I have. But it stops here. My heart bleeds a little more every time I do. Once there was a girl who loved a boy, and he loved her, they were blissfully happy for a time and sooner or later stopped bringing out the best in each other and started bringing out the worst. So they stopped. They resolved to be civil for the kids, end of story.
Ok, that’s the last chapter. I’ve face planted, cried, screamed, stomped my feet and now I get to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward.
What do I want though? There is so much healing that needs to take place for my girls and myself. Forgiveness, love and acceptance of how things are. Rearranging and shuffling, who goes where and when. I’m now in a place of complete freedom but still stunned, like a fish that just got hit by a jellyfish sting, I’m still alive and my brain works but I’m waiting to get feeling back in my body before I can actually do anything. Law of attraction is my go to and now that I know what doesn’t serve me I can more clearly see the things that do.
My girls come first, they are at delicate stages and very raw, I am privileged enough to guide them through this, I’m not here to shelter them, I’m here to hold safe space for them so they can feel the emotions, the emotions come whether you want them to or not, I don’t want them to suppress like I did as a child, I want them to feel so they know how to dig themselves out.
My friends, I became so isolated from my friends, I don’t know if it was shame or guilt or the fact that my relationship took every ounce of energy I had to give. What I’ve found is that despite the long absence, my friends or framily as I lovingly call them, have rallied without questions. I’ve received cards, flowers, ears that listen, shoulders that support and the types of bear hugs that seem to put life back together. I am blessed!
My job, I am so fortunate to do what I love and while I’m contemplating some part time bartending the idea of staying fast and true to my heart is pulling me hard. My reiki practice, massage and yoga trainings fill my cup and I feel like I’m actually fulfilling my life’s purpose. I have a larger dream that involves becoming an herbalist, homesteader and bee keeper. I was so lucky to receive a scholarship to Wild Herb Weekend in July and truly feel this deepening of the roots of my passion. The dream I had of sharing a farm and homestead doesn’t have to die, it may need to change form and location slightly but that’s more reconstructive surgery as opposed to death.
Finally, Love. The end of my relationship was not a loving one, it was not fulfilling in so many ways, despite my (and to be fair, his) best efforts for it to be. I’m a person who loves deeply but when I feel neglected I can turn resentful quickly. I give love freely but also notice when it isn’t reciprocated. I’m difficult to love in that I have so many emotions and thoughts and energies flying around, if you’re not patient and open you’ll become exhausted. I have a temper, I say whatever comes into my mind and rarely try to edit it. I’m impulsive and often long to be somewhere else. All of these to a fault, but I’m loyal, honest, trustworthy and I’ll let my love kill me, I’ll dig in and weather any storm, I’ll give you my power, my heart, my strength and my last breath. I don’t know how to give up, maybe it’s stubbornness, to me, it’s love. This usually drives my partner mad, causes them to hurt me in such a way that I have no choice but to let them go. I recognize this as a learning experience, no matter how life altering. Moving forward I won’t give away my power, in this next phase of healing and solitude I get to cultivate healthy boundaries that protect my girls and myself. I get to listen to my intuition and vow to honor it, no matter what. I promise to speak my truth instead of being quiet, fear and indifference will kill any relationship. Most importantly I’ll continue to love wth all my heart, life is too short not to.