There’s this idea that being flawed is weak, that being a mess is not ok, I have learned this and exercised it my whole life. I learned that I was only lovable if I was helpful, made others happy and sacrificed everything. I never learned that I am worthy just because I am. Shame, guilt, fear, anger, resentment and sadness are the predominant emotions in my life. The amazing thing about these lives we lead is that they are changeable. It’s both devastating and blessed that things can be altered in the blink of an eye.
OK, I’m on a Brene kick lately, I’m in the midst of Daring Greatly, The fact of the matter is that I’m lost. I’m learning to love myself, trust myself and create boundaries that allow me to be compassionate and generous. Sometimes I’m dishonest with myself and think that I already have the things but I don’t. I know the talk, the words but I haven’t yet learned how to practice it. I’ve become extraordinarily good at numbing, my kitchen counter is spotless, the dog hair is swept off the floor, my kids don’t have skinned knees and all the laundry is washed and dried, so why the hell don’t I feel loved? The resentment and fear I’ve been holding onto lately is suffocating me and I’m just not quite sure how to handle all of this. I’m tired of blaming my unlovableness on hormones, a tumultuous childhood, abuse, betrayal, or any other situation or circumstance. The thing is I have no idea how to learn the things I know will heal these wounds and not knowing how to do something is driving me nuts. I’m a healer, and what I’ve learned is that no crystal, yoga pose, mantra, reiki or acupuncture session can heal this, there is no magic pill or button to fast forward you out of the pain and teleport you to the paradise on the other end. It’s not a destination but truly a journey where the learning is the reward not the pot of gold at the end. I’ve been watching TED talks like it’s my job lately and this one hit me particularly:
Trust is not built in these grand gestures or moments, but in the small, seemingly insignificant tokens. I get to learn how to fill my own marble jar, to feel vulnerable, to be afraid, but I also get to show up, let go of the stories and stop numbing so I can grow!
So, here I am, I’m flawed, I’m scared, I’m lonely and in pain, I’m not very good at forgiveness but I’m practicing it everyday, I feel weak when I ask for help, I don’t know how to love or trust myself, I care too much about what others think and I measure my worth by my Facebook/ instagram likes, how much I got done that day or how often someone hugs me and tells me I’m beautiful, I don’t think I deserve happiness and I don’t know how to be an adult or have an adult relationship, I have 4 girls and I’m petrified that they will end up like me.
What I do know is that putting our fears out there kills shame, so here it all is. I’m flawed and I’m releasing the shame, I’m working on learning these life skills so I can be a better mum and person. I’m releasing the fear of not being good enough for someone and learning that the only someone that I need to be happy is me. I’m recognizing my gifts and attributes and vow to nurture them. I will say no more often, I will find joy in the ordinary, small things as that’s where it’s found, and I will be grateful for everything as it’s all a lesson!