I’m polishing off a pint of chocolate ice cream, reviewing the last two months, gearing up for the next month ahead and still feeling very wounded. I feel stronger, my tribe has come to my aid so generously and the chips are starting to fall. I know I will pull through and be amazing but I still have so many questions. If I start to think too much about what’s to come or all the things I have to accomplish to get there it gets hard to breathe, if I think about the long road that got me here, my eyes well up and that river of tears comes, it feels like it won’t ever stop. My heart hurts more everyday and I keep ripping off that bandaid, want it nice and healed before I let it scab over. I hate appearing weak more than anything and I’m allowing myself to look at what I went through as nothing more than self sacrificing love. I let someone break my heart everyday for as long as I can remember, it takes a lot of strength to show up to be slaughtered, day after day. A lot of stupidity too, but mostly strength, and while I have my beautiful girls to show for it, there are a lot of things I will do differently in the future.
I’ll be in the present moment
I will listen to someones actions instead of their words, no matter how sweet
I will listen to my own intuition, if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t
I will honor the signs my body sends me (lungs carry grief, the asthma symptoms have mysteriously vanished)
First and foremost, I will put my kids first, the only guilt I carry is that I tried to put my partner first, I wanted to make him happy first, I wanted to spend my moments with him first and thankfully that is over.
I will remind myself of my strength, compassion, kindness and empathy and I won’t question or belittle my gifts. I am a powerful healer and a force to be reckoned with, no one and nothing will diminish that power or the acknowledgement of my power again!