redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love

Shame and blackmail

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Brene may very well be my spirit animal, that magical creature I hope to become one day, she’s guiding me through this process with her work and I’m eternally grateful. Some things need to said, some shame needs to come out into the light, I’m tired of having events held over my head and used to punish and scare me.

I have a temper, I have a constant battle with expressing anger in a constructive, healthy way. I’ve read that anger is sad’s bodyguard, and if that’s the case I must have a lot of sad. I love that if you follow law of attraction, you know emotions are our compass, healthy good emotions tend to show us we’re on the right path but frustration, anger, jealousy etc  tend to teach us there’s something that needs to shift.

I yelled at my kid, I lost my temper, had a terrible parent moment and I yelled at my kid. I’m not proud, I probably said some horrific things too, but I’ve talked to her, apologized to her, and asked for forgiveness. I struggle every day with diffusing extremely strong emotions within me while feeling other peoples emotions too (I’m clairsentient). The turning point here is, I’m human, I make mistakes- ALL THE TIME- and I admit to it, learn from it, apologize and then try to correct the behavior. The level of deception, betrayal and unimaginable duplicity is rank. I was recorded, instead of recognizing that his partner was stressed, overwhelmed, needed help, He pressed record instead of acting to help. I could try to down play my actions or share the debilitating postpartum depression, trauma from my job, stress of having 3 other children and a household to run, but trying to justify bad behavior doesn’t change anything. I’m human, that’s why it happened, I’m flawed and imperfect but I am honest. What you see is what you get and the idea of posing as a loving partner and all the while plotting to cut down the one I “love” blows my mind.

I’m not an unfit mother as some people are going to extraordinary lengths to prove, I’m loving, kind, honest and generous with my time and energy. I love my children to the moon and back and will do anything to make sure they are healthy and safe. Do they always like me, no, I don’t let them do whatever they want, there are consequences to actions and sometimes stuff gets taken away. Does that make me a bad mom? I actually think quite the opposite. I’m raising four strong willed goddesses and sometimes that means clashes, differences of opinion, but after some chill out time it’s always put to right!

My motives in being so open and transparent with what I’m going through is to lighten this heavy burden, it’s impossible to carry so I’m setting it down, unpacking and chosing what to take and what to leave. Maybe by sharing my journey I can help others going through this feel like they have an ally, some company on the journey. We’re all going through stuff, it’s relative and not better or worse, these life lessons aren’t always easy or fun but they are most certainly worth it.

Author: redyogimom

I'm a mom, yogi, lover, artist, wanderer, reader, student, teacher, writer, traveler, searcher, lover of music, experience and light. I have no filter and refuse to grow one, I'm raw, honest, vulnerable and ecstatically happy.

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