redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love

The Connection vs Disconnection Debate

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Remember that Epic sweeping declaration post from not too long ago? Yea, me either. But here’s the deal. We as humans are created to connect, we need interaction, our bodies actually secrete stress fighting hormones when we are connecting, so if that isn’t a clue that it’s important, I don’t know what is! Here’s the dilemma, when you’re a busy, single mum of 4, fighting two separate custody battles, a child support battle from the most recent ex (who also happens to live with his mother) and has a new puppy, there just isn’t time. Enter online dating. (lightning, thunder and metal trash cans falling over)

The premise, I suppose, is to allow busy people an opportunity to meet other busy folks like themselves without ever having to venture into a bar, restaurant, leave the couch or put on pants (more on this later)! Sounds great!

The Problem, not all people are well intentioned, not all people are honest, not all people are over their exes and not all people respect boundaries, or anything really! It’s easy to be sucked into this world of “connection” at our finger tips, pulled in by the guise of a compliment, and or intrigued enough to enter into these intimate conversations with someone who, for all you know could be a serial killer, Jabba the hut, or worse, living in their mothers guest room, oops, that’s another story too.

The Yoga, the zen buddhist philosophy of non attachment is a beautiful one, of allowing things to be as they are, to flow, to come to you effortlessly and leave you effortlessly, but the truth is, I haven’t quite learned how to apply that to love. I’m still learning to draw lines, I fear being too blunt and coming off as bitchy, yet get incredibly irritated when lines are breached.

The idea of closing myself off from feeling love, intimacy and physical connection doesn’t feel right to me. The idea of having to see one more unsolicited penis photo also makes me nauseous. Is there a middle ground of maintaining my freedom and life as I want it and also have a passionate, genuine connection with someone who is man enough to let me do it my way? The false sense of connection is literally soul sucking and as much as I love my girlfriends, there are just some things they can’t give me. I’m not a nun, nor have I ever claimed to be, mentioning that my children come first no matter what seems like an obvious point but I’m throwing it out there anyway, I also have never dated, I’ve gone from relationship to relationship my entire life and I don’t want more of that. So the only explanation that feels right to me, is to learn as I go. The quote (I’m probably butchering it)  “If it’s not a FUCK YES then it is a FUCK NO!” Is now my anthem. I’m intelligent, strong, resilient, well read and traveled, open, caring, kind and considering I’ve had 4 babies I think I’m doing ok in the looks department, the bottom line is I deserve exactly what I want without having to settle, we all do!

The amazing, ok, there has been a lot of gross and bad too, the “emergency text” I got just so I could leave because he kept talking about how he worked out all the time and was tired, the guy that actually asked me if I wanted to FaceTime just so I could see him finish, the countless photos of peoples kids on their profiles (dear god stop putting your kids up as bait), the shirtless selfies, the people with their tongues sticking out, or better yet the ones who actually can hold a conversation and seem to have their shit together and then vanish into the ether, there’s been lots of bad. The best interaction yet was with a British guy who was just in town for the weekend on some sort of soccer business and even though the conversation was incredibly brief he ended with “Love, you’re an incredible person, make sure you meet someone amazing and don’t settle for less!” So I’m taking his advice, not searching or grasping, just living my truth, everyday, even when it’s hard and most importantly not settling!

 

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Author: redyogimom

I'm a mom, yogi, lover, artist, wanderer, reader, student, teacher, writer, traveler, searcher, lover of music, experience and light. I have no filter and refuse to grow one, I'm raw, honest, vulnerable and ecstatically happy.

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