I really thought I was healed up and ready to love again, I even found the perfect man. Kind, patient, handsome, told me I was gorgeous all the time, went above and beyond to help me and was truly someone I could see myself happy with for a long time. I will probably replay my decision a million times over in my head and while I don’t believe in regrets, it’s going to come the closest. The truth is, I’m not healed, I’m not ready and I ended it. It broke my heart, but I would have never known for sure if I was with him because I was lonely, if my attachment to him was so quick and deep because of him or because of my apparent need for connection and companionship. Since my very first boyfriend when I was 15, I haven’t been alone for very long, a few weeks at minimum, maybe a few months at most, and while in my worst relationships there have been long, dark periods of loneliness and estrangement, it’s not the same.
The business, constant motion and numbing have snuck back in! Too much beer, too many excuses, too many distractions. The energy right now is so hot and heavy and I feel suffocated. My practice has become almost non existent and the meditation that was helping me so much in this new transition isn’t being given the time it deserves.
My soul has been through so much and my body is feeling it. I’m exhausted and achy and not myself. I recognize it, I feel it, I see it, so let’s change it. I deleted that stupid dating app off my phone, the last straw was seeing my exes profile, he had our babies photos and their names and I felt sick to my stomach, it’s an epic waste of time and a needless distraction.
I’m going to take a break from drinking for a bit, just to get some clarity
I’m going to start practicing again
I’m going to love myself, take long baths, read, meditate, be still, be uncomfortable in the stillness if I have to be, but still, none the less
I’m going to be lonely, let myself cry, sob, feel so empty that it seems nothing can fill me up and that’s when the magic happens, that’s when the trip down the mountain happens.
I’m going to buy myself flowers and take myself out on dates again. This blog began that way and I miss it, me, unapologetically me.
I’m going to not give a fuck anymore
I’m going to try new things and see new places, my passports been expired for far too long
I’m going to grow and learn