I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately. Worthiness, lovableness, and deserving. You see, when you don’t feel lovable or worthy something terrible happens, you actually push away what you need the most and then a vicious cycle begins. Love me, I need love, but I don’t feel worthy, you don’t love me, you love everyone else but me….it just keeps going like that until you’re a crazy, sobbing mess. I know about that! I just cracked Brene Brown’s Rising Strong last night and there’s an excerpt of a fight between her and her husband, they were both being vulnerable and open and even though they were scared of being hurt or even worse, left, they had it. It was uncomfortable and messy but they came out on the other side stronger, more connected and they built a beautiful layer of intimacy.
Here’s where law of attraction comes in, what you think you become, and Buddha was right! When I submit to that negative self talk I begin to breathe in more of that dark filth until that’s all I see, think and feel. It’s an awful feeling too. The brain is an amazing thing though, and even though in the moment it feels impossible, but if you can switch those negative thoughts you can actual change your own reality! Then beauty ensues!
So my melt down the last few days can be blamed on a million things, the solstice, fatigue, depression, the weather…. I could go on forever. I’m not interested in blame though. I felt the way I felt and it’s not right or wrong, it is what it is. My sister calls it low vibration, without lows there are no highs. I’m not interested in anyone or thing being at fault either. I truly believe we are all doing the best we can, it’s hard, parenting, working, relationshiping (yep I just did that) it’s never easy and it’s almost always a case of dropped balls, as long as they get picked, even if it’s in the chaos and instead of blame, distance and anger, lean into love, lean into vulnerability, lean into discomfort. It isn’t fun but on the other side of that fear and hard work is what you seek, and sometimes all you have to do is let go and float!