redyogimom

Yoga, motherhood, badass awesome sauce and love

Chicken shit

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I have a confession: I’m a chicken shit. I’m a worrier, a what if’er, an omg I’m going to fail so miserably that absolutely no one on this whole entire earth will love me’er. There, I said it, I’m being emotional and vulnerable and now I’m probably in the back of my head worrying that you’ve already closed out of wordpress, deleted me from facebook etc. But the real question is, and I don’t mean this the wrong way, but why do I give a shit? Two words, SELF WORTH. I just had a conversation (more like one sentence) with my sister the other day about this, “Am I good enough?” I got an honest answer, which I knew I would, “That’s an old Ashley question” she said, and she was right, and that’s part of the issue. I know all of this, so why does it keep coming back? I hit the bottom, give myself a pep talk after a bit of wallowing and then become super productive, happy, accomplished and then the air gets let out .Why bother set in and it starts all over again. I’m honest (to a fault?), authentic, vulnerable and kind, so why do I continue to get this overwhelming sense that something is missing? There’s a piece somewhere, and I’m not blaming it on just having a baby, or having three kids, or working all the time because I signed up for all those things and most importantly I love all those pieces. It’s something deeper. It’s the fear of being wrong that I can’t seem to shake. That’s just it though, we are all spiritual beings living out this very human lifetime. We’re flawed, seemingly so flawed sometimes that we appear absolutely hopeless. Full of contradiction, contrariness and insanity, so why are we still here? Why are we still searching for good, for truth, for authenticity? I believe it’s our flaws that make us good. Fully realizing our humanness yet reaching and striving for goodness. So here I am, vulnerable, honest open. I accept responsibility for myself and my actions and continue to strive to do better but I will not place blame or guilt, I simply don’t have space for it. I truly believe we can learn so much from each other when we are open and free. So let’s continue on this flawed, crazy, amazing journey!

Author: redyogimom

I'm a mom, yogi, lover, artist, wanderer, reader, student, teacher, writer, traveler, searcher, lover of music, experience and light. I have no filter and refuse to grow one, I'm raw, honest, vulnerable and ecstatically happy.

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